Even Artichokes Have Hearts.

I have always thought that if one thing goes wrong more than once with you, it's probably because you didn't do something right. For instance, if a certain number of people (any number bigger than one actually) starts to keep a distance from you it's because you're probably the cause of it. If you get in trouble constantly, it's because you are making that happen. Or is it?

I've decided that from now on I'll treat people close to me differently. When I was younger my grandmother used to say that when it rains it's because God was sad about something and then she'd ask me "what did you do this time, you shouldn't let God down, he would never do the same to you". I think this is such an Amélie Poulain thing! Come to think of it, her and I have a lot in common. I've never had close friends, my parents are completely unbalanced (but I keep idealizing things the other way around and that's where I go wrong, I know) I like paying attentions to details other people don't like, when people are distracted I like observing them and elaborating theories on what they might be thinking about; I like to drive and "play" air instruments even when there's people around and I do my best to ignore them and pretend I'm alone. I daydream too much and I want to help people whenever I can cause it makes me feel good to see them happy, that's the only thing I expect in return.

But probably these are the only things we have in common.

A man with a plan.

Yeah ok, this probably something I should come up with like... in december, as new year's resolutions but, thing is I've got waaayyy too much free time in my hands lately and I've decided it's time to be a little positive about things, therefore these are my "As soon as I'm in America" resolutions. I figure after 10 months people change... So I hope I change for the better and, for the sake of positive thinking, I came up with these.

I'm gonna have ten months to have most of these things turned into reality for me. And I think it should be in writting or else,it doesn't really count. Hey, it's not me, it's the system that lays down the rules so... So ok, here it goes.

I've decided ill create the best TV show in the history of television and that my ratings will be much higher than when there's a soccer game where Brasil is playing or when it's the world cup and Italy is - and I will be extremelly praised by all critics. And I've decided that, despite that fact (that I came up with the best TV show ever), I won't act all bugged and uncomfortable when the paparazzi hunt me for spontaneous pictures and, when I'm on a celebrity gossip TV show interview, I won't say "Aw that person is awesome" or "ah he's a good friend of mine, he's a babe!"I'll be honest.

I've decided my book will finally go past the computer keyboards and will be in a bookstore next to you. And in it you'll find more elaborated dialogues than Aldous Huxley's and more spontaneous than J.D. Salinger's and funnier/obvious than Jerry Seinfield's and the first edition will be published in 180 languages and 34 dialects. I've decided that this book will grant me a Nobel Prize and an extra chair in the Brazilian Writers Academy specially for me - by the head of the table, of course. And I'll be the first "immortal" to wear a specially made uniform, gala gawns based on Disney female characters. They will come in 4 different colors and it will be totally ok for me to wear Havaianas with them, in fact, they will be the same color as the dresses.
On Letterman, I'll say: "Hemingway who?". And to Oprah I'll say: "Excuse me, I'm the one doing the talking". I 've decided Stella MacCartney, Valentino, Carolina Herrera and Giorgio Armani will come check with me about the last trend and what color will be the next pink. Gisele Bundchen will come to me for diet tips and I'll talk to Heidi Klum about having so many children.

I've decided my drawings will be discovered by a scout a la Andy Warhol and that museums from all over the world will take Lichtenstein off their walls so they will have room for my art. I've decided to re-invent all theories regarding black holes and prove each one of them making Stephen Hawking jump from his wheelchair, oh by the way, proving Stephen Hawking doesn't even need a wheelchair will give me a Pulitzer.


I've decided to think new thoughts, the kind that would make Plato miss his cavern and Kierkergaard re-think his "irony concept". I've decided I'll win the Fields Medal, despite my similarities to John Nash go as far as seeing/hearing people/things that aren't there.(oh, and Bhaskara is not one of those people)
I've decided I'm gonna be just like Angelina Jolie - physically I mean, even if that means having to go thru small plastic surgeries (ok, maybe not that small).

I've decided that, financially, I'll beat Bill Gates and with that money I'll do more excentric things than just put little secret games on Excel spreadsheets. Ah and that I'll be offered a house in Tahiti Beach in exchange for my appareance in one of "Life of Luxury"episodes. And that the parties I'll throw will have the Pixies live and Tiësto and Paul Van Dyk fighting over the control of the pick-up tables will be more disputed than Hugh Hefner's, dispersando sua criação de coelhas. But even though I already have that house, I 've decided that Zaha Hadid will offer himself to design me another one, and I'll take it.

I've decided that thanks to an awesome acting course I'll be hired for the next hit franchise, above all James Bonds and Indiana Jones and Tomb Raiders and Harry Potters. I've decided I'll be Miss Universe without even going to a beauty pageant, judges will just look at me and know it's the right thing to do.

I 've decided I'll make Ronald McDonald work for Burger King from now on and that everything in both places will have 50kcal tops. Coca-Cola will give me their secret 'cause they think I'm the best one to keep it. I'll also discover (by mistake) what's the secret ingredient in the Big Mac sauce and I'll blackmail them. Either they pay me a really good allowance to keep my mouth shut or they'll have to go vegetarian (yes, I'm talking about replacing the potatos for carrots too - that kind of vegetarian.)

I've decided I'll get the whole original cast form Beverly Hills 90210 to shoot 112 new episodes just for me. Brenda and Dylan will be together in the end, as will Kelly and Brandon and that will be so cool I'll make them marry each other in real life too.

I 've decided that, as a Nobel winner writer, I will, I'll give opinions about the script and make the movie the favorite for the Oscars and that Charlier Kaufman will ask me for tips to make his own. With that, I'll win two Oscars, Best Actress and of course, Best Screenplay writher (and yes, I'm talking about 2009 Oscar) And the publicity for that blockbuster release will get me an Titanium Lion from Cannes.

I 've decided Colin Firth will be my lover. And/or George Clooney. And/or Vincent Cassel. And/or Keanu Reeves. And/or Justin Timberlake. And/or Adam Levine. And/or Brendan Routh. And/or Brad Pitt. And/or Michael Vartan. And/or Tom Welling. And/or Rodrigo Hilbert. And/or Gerard Butler. And/or Leonardo DiCaprio. And/or Patrick Dempsey. And/or David Beckham. And/or Matthew McConaughey. And/or Hugh Jackman. And/or Jake Gyllenhaal. And not just them. And not necessarily in that order. And not necessarily one at a time. And I've decided their love for me will be true, if it's not, I'll buy one that is.

I've decided I'll discover the cure for cancer and AIDS and that I'll find the perfect solution to end hunger in Africa and Brazil and in any other place in the world. That my speeches will seal the peace between jews and palestinans, between greeks and trojans,between Courtney Love and Dave Grohl.I've also decided I'll find Osama Bin Laden, and find out who created the "death dolls" and what's stonehenge for. I'll also find the island where Elvis, James Brown, Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, Locke, Sayid went to.

I decided I'll start a business in an inovating area, never thought before. Something that will make youtube look like hippie craftwork. And, if you have no idea of what I'm talking about, it means I'm on the right way.

And that's some of the few things I hope to accomplish while I'm there and if not... Well, I'm still young. :)

There Ain't No Reason.

On: Brett Dennen - There ain't no Reason.

there ain't no reasons things are this way

its how they've always been and they intend to stay

i can't explain why we live this way

we do it everyday

preachers on the podiums speaking to saints

prophets on the sidewalks begging for change

old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name

i got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same

a window and a pigeon with a broken wing

you can spend your whole life working for something

just to have it taken away

people walk around pushing back their desks

wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets

talking 'bout nothing, not thinking about their

every little heart beat, every little breath

people walk a tight rope on a razor's edge

carrying their hurt and hatred and weapon

sit could be a bomb or a bullet or a pinor a thought or a word or a sentence.

there ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay

i don't know why i say the things i say,

but i say them anyway.

but love will come set me free

love will come set me free

i do believelove will come set me free

i know it will

love will come set me free yes

prison walls still standing tall

some things never change at all

keep on building prisons,

gonna fill them all.

keep on building bombs

gonna drop them all

working your fingers bare to the bone

breaking your back, make you sell your soul

like a lung is filled with coal, suffocating slow

the wind blows wild and i may move

but politicians lie and i'm not fooled

you don't need no reason or a 3 piece suit

to argue the truth

the air in my skin and the world under my toes

labor is stitched into the fabric of my toes

chaos and commotion wherever i go

love, i try to follow

but love will come set me free

love will come set me free

i do believe

love will come set me free

i know it will

love will come set me free yes

there ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay

i can't explain why we live this way;

we do it everyday.

Everything is Music.

On: Get Set Go (several...)



Aside from teaching, I do everything else listening to music, always have. It's almost like as if I had a theme song for every situation in my life. Music plays such an important part in my life that sometimes I don't even realize what an important role they play in my life, there are songs I can't listen to anymore 'cause I ended up relating them to some situations in my life in such levels I couldn't even describe. For example:





- My first crush ever: No Doubt - Don't Speak

- My second crush: Roxette - Spending My Time

- Another crush: Bon Jovi - This Ain't a Love Song

- Adolescence Soundtrack: Alanis Morissette (pretty much everything she recorded)

- My first teenage crush: Seal - Kiss from a Rose;

- First internet crush: Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing;

- Fights with the first boyfriend: Goo Goo Dolls - Iris;

- First boyfriend's official break up song: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californication;

- First best friend "break up": Alanis Morissette - Uninvited;

- 16 year old non-stop song (and I do mean non stop): Celine Dion - My heart Will Go On;

- Another one I listened to non-stop: Roxette - Wish I could Fly;

- Second boyfriend theme song: Rolling Stones - Miss you;

- Second boyfriend break up#1 song: Avril Lavigne - Complicated;

- Trip to England: The Rolling Stones - Voodoo Lounge (the whole album)

- Third boyfriend: Imogen Heap - Goodnight and Go.





And there are several others involved I won't be able to listen to for quite some time, like "The Manic Street Preachers" and Jack Johnson for example.


What I find interesting though is when i find the perfect song for the perfect day, I may not get the best pictures (but i did love that one, I sooo feel like that cat - except i haven't got a cow suit... and that child sooo reminds me of my parents - except they don't have any eastern backround... it's the perfect "visual metaphore"), but you have to admit it's a pretty funny picture, to me it looks like one of those "it would be funny if it weren't tragic" moments.
There's this band that I'm particularly fond of, "Get Set Go" that has go just the perfect lyrics, at least for today. The things about them is that they've got this really cool, nice, sweet melody and musicality with very "raw" lyrcs, wich makes the song sound a mix between irony and sarcasm but, at the same time it almost sounds naive. I don't know.. some sort of "cute angry".

- Ok so, since this is MY blog and I do whatever I want.. I'll post the lyrics (I mean plural) I feel have got the most to do with me today. Ah, one other thing.. the lyrics may seem a little bit too much, almost heavy metal satan's hardcore but its not, trust me! download them and you'll see why i like them so much.



*Die Motherfucker, Die.



Die, mother fucker die/I want to see you cry/And then I'll watch you die/I want to hurt you, torture and desert you/Take a hot poker and stick it where the Sun don't shine..then watch you die/Cause I, I'm having a bad day/So get out of my way/Or you will pay and you'll pay with your Life/I, I'm having a bad day/So what else can I say/I just wanna kill and be killed just the Same/Cause my day sucks ass/Die, mother fucker die/I'll burn out both your eyes/And fill the sockets full of lye/I'll carve out your skull and turn into a Bowl that I'll eat cereal with while I Watch the Flinstones/And I, I'll do it with a smile/Die Motherfucker Die /Cause I, I'm having a bad day/So get out of my way/Or you will pay and you'll pay with your Life/I, I'm having a bad day/So what else can I say/I just want to kill and be killed just the Same/Cause my day sucks ass/I don't want to work/I don't want to pay bills/And I don't want to grow old/And I don't want to be poor/I don't want to drive in traffic/I don't want to deal with dating/I don't want to stand in line/I don't want to pay any taxes/Die, mother fucker die/Why won't you just die?And get out of my life/I want to move to some deserted desert island where I will live up coconuts and everything will be fine all of the time/Cause I, I'm having a bad day/So get out of my way/Of you will pay and you will pay with your life/I, I'm having a bad day/So what else can I say/I just want to kill and be killed just the same/Cause my day sucks ass.



*I Hate Everyone.



Some stupid chick in the checkout line/Was paying for beer with nickels and dimes/And some old man who clipped coupons/Had argued whenever they wouldn't take one/All I wanted to was buy some cigarettes/But I couldn't take it anymore so I left/I hate everyone (4x)/All the people on the street, I hate you all/And the people that I meet, I hate you all/And the people that I know, I hate you all/And the people that I don't, I hate you all/Oh, I hate you all/Some fucking asshole just cut me off/And gave me the finger when I fucking honked/Then he proceeded to put on the brakes/He slammed on the brakes, but I made a mistake/When I climbed out of my van he was waiting/But he was six three and two hundred pounds of Satan/I hate everyone (4x)/All the people on the street, I hate you all/ And the people that I meet, I hate you all/And the people that I know, I hate you all/And the people that I don't, I hate you all/Oh, I hate you all/I bet you think I'm kidding/But I promise you its true/I hate most everybody/But most of all I hate/Oh, I hate you/All the people on the street, I hate you all/And the people that I meet, I hate you all/And the people that I know, I hate you all/And the people that I don't, I hate you all/And the people in the east, I hate you all/And the people I hate least, I hate you all/And the people in the west, I hate you all/And the people I like best, I hate you all/Oh, I hate you all.



*Sleep.



I'm so tired that I could sleep for a year/The sound of snoring is the only thing you would hear/I'm so tired that I could sleep my life away/I'm so tired I'm way too tired to play/I need my sleep/I need it right now/I need my sleep/Or I'm going down/I need my sleep/I need it today/I need my sleep/Without delay/I'm so tired that I could sleep til I'm old/And if I awoke, it would only be to use the toilet bowl/I'm so tired that I could sleep my life away/I'm so tired I'm way too tired to say/I need my sleep/I need it right now/I need my sleep/Or I'm going down/I need my sleep/I need it today I need my sleep/Without delay/I can't sleep for all the clamor and the clang of all the people as I'm singing all these same old love songs/I can't sleep for all the clamor and the clang of all the people as I'm singing all these same old love songs/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep/I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep/I pray the lord my soul, my soul to keep/I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep.





Yeah ok, or maybe it's me who's just bitter.

The Importance of Being Clumsy

I think I use too many words, I talk too much. I am one of those people who keeps trying to fix what sometimes doesn't need fixing. I am one of those people who can forget when to shut up, for G%d sake, I'm one of those people who enters a funeral and is lucky enough to say "hey, how are you?" to that one person who's suffering the most with the loss. Sometimes it sucks, other times I just play along, pretend it's not a big deal and don't even try and fix it. Although, when it matters to me, I keep trying to fix it, and making it worse (probably).
I always feel the need to explain myself, to be thorough about my thoughts and what I'm trying to say all the time - yes, it can be very tiresome.
Oh, I don't think there's an end for this one today.

More Than A Virtue.

On: Pete Yorn - June

I have a tendency of putting myself in situations that will probably be hard to get out of or that won't add anything to my life. Sometimes I just don't take the time to weigh things and see the pros and cons of doing something. I get impulsive and anxious and then I just have to do it. Yesterday it wasnt very different, but in a way it was.

Went to the gas station for gas and bumped into some guys from the past, old friends. The good thing about patience is that it always gives you extra time, and if you're patient when it comes to people you're always ahead. They all started talking about how much they liked me and how much they missed me and home estimated I am... Saying how perfect we were for each other (my ex and I) and that I'm all he thinks and talks about and that he hasn't been able to move on. Of course, half an hour and a couple of beers later, I learn he's going out with the ex before me. I was so glad to see I had no reaction, like.. I didnt feel sad or angry or jealous, it was as if I was hearing from someone I knew but haven't heard of for a long time. I felt sorry for him though because that girl is weird and unstable... Well when they were dating they have a lover's tiff once and she decided to go out. Nine months later she was pregnant from a guy she didnt even know the name. Do you really go back to a person like that?

It sounds terrible but it's good to have the opportunity of reassuring yourself you got the better deal. Situations like that make you thing if you're either being selfish or if you're putting yourself in first place. That was something that bugged me for a long time. He was constantly complaining about his money situation and the fact that nothing would work out for him and then every six months he either wanted to be a writer or a cartoonist or have a band and make money with it or.. He wouldnt make an extra effort to leave home and was constantly using the fact that since he had a diploma he wouldnt submit himself to lower job positions therefore he'd have less money till something come up. After six year giving support and trying to make him see the bright side of things, doind what I could to make fim take a step foward and nothing, you end up getting tired and worn out. It's hard to wait on someone...

And it was even harder to see he never got these reasons, when I told him that he actually pulled the "poor me" stunt. Saying I am insensitive and selfish and after I lost weight he suddenly wan't good for me anymore.

It's not that I'm stubborn but I get extremelly revolted when I know I'm right and people just won't agree. I'm learning though.. If I know I'm right that should be enough for me, don't need to convince people.

During a very long time I suffered for not knowing the best way to conduct things. I kept thinking that if I left him for all those reasons I'd be being insensitive for not helping out more, for not giving more support but then on the other hand I was always putting myself aside and I was starting to feel the effects of that. I'm very happy the way I am and with all the things that have been happening to me right now. But every now and then I start looking for that line, for the difference and when it is selfishness and when it's just self-respect.

Is This Really It??

On: Ingrid Michaelson - Starting Now.

If you were falling, then I would catch you.You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cuz I love the way you say good morning.And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
Cuz I love the way you call me baby.And you take me the way I am.
I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.Sew on patches to all you tear.
Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.

And you take me the way I am.

You take me the way I am.

You take me the way I am.

I was listening to that song... Thinking about relationship and this came to mind:

A couple years ago I had this friend who decided to do a research on famous men who had mistresses. She wanted to find out why would they keep and extra romance if they were already commited. Her reason to do so was she had been the mistress for over three years and she just couldnt get why.

So every week she'd post on her blog a short bio about the famous guy followed by a brief bio of the mistress as well. She didn't get to post most of the things she put together but one day, we were talking about it and she pointed out some interesting stuff... Basically most mistresses used to be more intelligent, goal driven, fun, smart, corageous. They were much less submissive and more independent and they usually were ahead of their time. And not just mistresses, most "weird couples" like Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir or Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, where the women had those qualities ended up suffering a lot, even though they were legally married or not their relationships were distant and more like friendships than anything else.

My friend then decided to just jump to the inevitable conclusion: men probably look for all those qualities when looking for the right girl however once they have all that, they can't take it. They go back to the opposite, they prefer to stay with the easy thing with the mild, less fun, less talkative, average smart... It's not risky and not challenging and not threatening. At first it sounds like the right choice, the reliable choice. In the long run he eventually realizes it's just frustrating to go back home and have the same old"what was your day like" talk over dinner. Not that I wouldnt enjoy that, I would.. but depending on the person it can just get ordinary.

So, with time I started to agree with her. First, men started to seem average, I can't not even begin to count how many guys I met who, in a sad attempt of being funny, made all this not so clever jokes and comments on my job or the same old "Oh i shoud be careful you might be analizing me" jokes after I said I went to psych school. And would think all my comments on life and all my advices were super amazing and intelligent... I need someone who challenges me, someone who is amazed by my skills but doesnt look at me as if I'm some sort of rare exotic almost unreachable person who you just have to find a way to win over for a night or something just so you have something to brag about the next day.

I wonder If there's any hope for me.

I like your eyes avoiding mine.

On: Ingrid Michaelson - Masochist.

Since I was 14 I knew I wanted to be a psychologist. Maybe it's because I've been seing them since I can remember and yeah well, maybe I am some kind of psychotherapy junkie, I just like it too much.

One of the coolest things I 've ever had the opportunity to do was counseling. It has to be my calling, I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself for actually making a difference and helping people and being able to see them making progress.

Most people over here, youngsters and adults, who seek counseling have similar patterns. They are usually either anxious or think of themselves as depressed, low self-steem, insecurity issues and trouble setting limits.

I remember feeling frustrated and angry at my very first patient, of course I wouldn't let it show but I was just so mad he couldnt see what was going wrong for him and how easy it was to fix... And then it hit me I'm probably the same when I'm the patient and my counselor probably felt a little like that when in session with me. With time I learned the key was patience and not trying to solve the problem for them (patients) the solution always comes on its own, during sessions that is. Of course without them it can take a while longer or they might even not come at all. Plus you've got to keep in mind that what's easy for you may not be easy for me. Different variables.

People think psychologists might not have problems at all or at least not most problems "regular people"do. Not true. You have problems like everyone else and probably they seem even harder to solve cause in a way you know what you have to do, most of the time you know but if simply knowing were the key to solve all your problems.. simple example: everybody knows smoking is bad for you. I'm a smoker, I know all the damage it can cause but that does not mean I can stop smoking.

Sometimes I think most things are so simple but so simple it's hard to believe so we have to find a way to make they look complex, to make them harder, to make the path longer and so on. I think it's frightening to admit everything is simple. And it's even more scary when you know it is. Not knowing is bliss when it comes to yourself. But maybe that's what you get when you feel like knowing more so you can help others and I'm not just talking about psychologists.

I close my blinds.

On: Pete Yorn - Ice Age

I've been known for overthinking too much. It used to be worse though, I had to dissect every word and then rethink the situation and then look for other possibilites and alternatives. Now I'm not like that so much.

I've been thinking a lot about limits though, and how hard it can be for me sometimes to set them. If you think about it, it's not supposed to be difficult or hard, limits are all about self

respect and how far you are willing to let people go when it comes to you, to your territorry. Limits are about how much you are willing to show, to share and to expose.

Some people have no trouble at all setting them, it's normal and it's not a big deal. Some people have got no limits at all, people cross the line all the time, in fact, the line is a dot to them, it's like it's not even there.

Most people though, when having their limits cross, twist things around. It's quite simple, people go as far as you let them. Taking the blame though, that'a bitch. We tend to blame others for must things that go wrong, usually others were nothing but supporting actors in a plot you helped building, even though you may not be aware of most of the time. I think if you're prepared to accept that a whole bunch of things happen to you are at least partially your fault, then you've come a long way.

Ok, drifting again! My point is I'm lousy with limits. I'm naive, I always expect the best from people even though I've got this little voice inside of me who's constantly right and whenever it demands limits from me, I pretend I can't hear. I've always been outstanding when it comes to having insights. Anyway.. The reason why I've been thinking about limits is because of the whole travel situation and having to deal with that. I decided that it can be simple, since I believe so much in the power of dialogue, in the power of putting all your card on the table and getting it all out of the woods and sorted out, maybe I should actually try that. I have got to be able to stand up for myself, who else can do that but me? I gotta let her know what I'm about, my likes and dislikes and what she can and should expect from me.

This whole thing reminded me from my patients...

Kinda Like On TV.

On: Pete Yorn - Strange Condition.

Yesterday I had an unusual experience. I decided to go out for coffee with my ex's sister-in-law. I met her around 5pm and I got home around 10pm. We talked about the most random things and, in the end I realized I was talking about my trip and the reasons why I'm going and costs and all and when I noticed, she was talking about coming along!

I know, this introduction sounded as if I didn't want her to come along, well honestly I don't know. I'm more of a loner, I don't get attatched and I like to think of myself as self-sufficient, hate asking other people for help or favors in general. And I'm not good with being patient and having tag alongs with me, I'm scared and I get easily bored and annoyed.

Although, while we were talking I realized everything I lack, she's got and vice versa. Like, she's all caring and fun and full of all things nice. She's got all those housekeeping qualities and she enjoys it. She's goal oriented and very responsable. I'm moody and full of insights but im very fast and independent and I just do things, dont wait around much.

It was the first time I had a real long conversation with her and her alone. Before I'd only meet her during family gatherings and always with my ex so I couldn'r really talk to her.

As she were making plans and talking about all the things we'd do and how much fun we'd have, I panicked a little. I know it sounds funny but I did. I don't have close friends and while growing up i didnt have those sleep overs in other girls houses, I wasn't part of a girls only club, I didn't buy the same things other girls did and I didnt have my own click and all, and she's that kind of girl and I'm not. I'm moody and I'm bitter and I make constant jokes, obviously using humor as defense mechanism so I don't have to get envolved. I could almost say I'm a bit dark and twisty, scary and damaged, it wouldn't be entirely wrong to admit that, I guess. It's part of who I am and I kinda like it. It's part of my charming personality hahaha.

And she, she's all witty and she's happy and she's got faith in life, not that I don't, i think i can be pretty positive about life and all that but she'ss got something else... Although I shouldn't probably forget that she's probably got a downside as well, like a dark and twisty thing. I mean, I'm also full of nice cute things, even though I never care much for them.

And then yesterday, on my way home, I realized how bothered I was that she got so excited about tagging along and then I thought that this, her feeling so into coming with me, can turn out to be a good thing., I'm still not super excited about the idea but maybe it's what I need in a way. I need to learn how to be less... socially challenged I believe. With me its usually like that, random friends, people that come and go, and they rarely stick around. I don't know if it's me or them, it just happens. So it's only natural that I feel aprehensive when someone wants to come so close to me and learn from me and sees potential in me. It's just weird, no, not weird, it's new. I'm afraid that I might not set limits again and that I might end up in the same I'm already trying to run away from.

Untitled.

On: Ingrid Michaelson - Breakable

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.

So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,

And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

Ok so last night I went to a very different baby shower. It was really a baby shower/rock concert. I met Fran in college and she's a sweetheart. She met Rafael in a party and started going out, their relationship moved on quite fast and in less than a year they were already living together and like 2 months later she got pregnant.

She's 5 months pregnant now and they looked so happy together yesterday. During the concert they showed images of Fran's ultrasound and at midnight she took over the microphone and announced that they're expecting a boy and his name will be Gabriel. As soon as that happened I looked around and I realized most people were emotional and some girls were actually crying. It made me wonder why wasn't I all touched by the news that were actually exciting.

Then I also realized most people who were there went in couples.. husband and mrs, boyfriends and girlfriends, enganged couples. There were probably 5 single people there, me included. So it's definitely true what they say.. you start dating so you instantly get closer to people who are also dating. More things in common i guess.

In psychology we learn that you operate according to what you know and you act and react to things according to your available repertoire and this repertoire is formed by all your life experiences.. it's as if your brain had this huge file cabinet where it stores all your memories and experiences and all possible alternatives you have when facing several situations, however, when you face a new situation your brain instantly opens the file cabinet and tries to come up with a solution, usually based on previous experiences, there's a fifty fifty percent change it will work or not.

For instance, all the basic ideas you got about how you should behave in front of strangers or how to hold a fork while having a meal.. you have to learn somewhere and then you will incorporate that to your way of living. The same thing happens with your perspective towards life and relationships. Inevitably you learn a bunch of things by observing, not consciently though, it's like, most people who try really hard not to be like their parents end up doing so without realizing it, specially in stressful situations where they have absolutely no control over their words. Once they calm down they realize how similar they behave when compared to their parents.. but ok, I'm drifiting.

When watching my friends yesterday I started to think about all these things... marriage and kids and a long term relationship.. not long term but one for life, I really don't intend on getting married just so I can divorce when I get bored. That's the thing though, it's such a huge deal. It's sharing a house and the bills and a bed. It means having to deal constantly with someone else's likes and dislikes and constant negotiation, trying to keep things in balance, trying to make it work. But then I thought I'm not the first or the last person on earth who's gonna go through that and I don't think it's supposed to be this rational and it seems the reason why it's been working it's cause they keep it simple. Fran was never the brightest or the fastest in college, she's pretty much oblivious about most things.. So maybe ignorance is bliss afterall.

My parents were constantly fighting when I was growing up and their marriage only started working after 20 years, and I don't want that. My idea of a relationship might be quite twisted, I admit. I think today my worst fear is getting trapped in an unhappy life and it would be even worse to have in mind it was my decision.

The more I meet guys over here the more it makes me hopeless. I hate the way they talk about marriage, as if they were forced into it, forced to propose and have a family... or about their current girlfriends, I don't want to be one of those bitter girlfriends that stick to their boyfriends even when they're hardly ever there or when they demand changes. I met this gilr in college who looked like a barbie doll, beautiful and tall and leggy and blonde but the boyfriend constantly told her she was fat and she should get some silicone, not that she wasn't beautiful already but that would make him love her even more. She would tell us that with such pride... and over a piece of chocolate cake 'cause her boyfriend would never let her eat that if he were around. One day, I met the boyfriend.. the guy's got a huge nose and spots all over his face and suffers from a total lack of personality.. I was at least surprised. They are engaged and they will get married this month. So is it me who's too intolerant or is the world going mad?

Of course I strongly disagree but I respect, people have their reasons to go through with some things but still... In my opinion, when you're in a relationship you should always: 1) treat it like it has enough potential to turn into something serious; 2) Every time something new and shocking and different or just unpleasant rises, ask yourself: how big of a deal that is to you/ can you let it go?/how much does it affect you?/ in ten years will you still be able to let it go? Can you see yourself dealing with that the same way you do now?

There's no point crossing our own limits for other people and yet, we always do.

The (un)Expected.

On: The Album Leaf - Writings On The Wall

I think no one looks at the future thinking life will be kinda ok or just "normal" I imagine people making huge plans and they thing what the future holds will be great and amazing and that he or she will be the best in what they want to become. Unique in what they want to do for a living. From the day we decide what we want to do with our lives we fill ourselves with expectations. Expectations about the paths we will cross, the things we will do, the choices we'll have to make, people we'll help, the difference we'll make. Big expectations about what we'll become and where we'll go and then, we realize, we're already there.

We all think we will be great and excellent at what we do and we feel a little robbed when our expectations don't meet the reality of it. Sometimes our expectations underestimate us. Sometimes the expected is nothing compared to the unexpected. You need to ask yourself why do we hold on to our expectations (even when we only realize how much we've invested on them a little too late).Because the expected is exactly what keeps us going, that keeps us standing. The expected is only the beginninf, the unexpected is what changes our lives.

The Disposable.

On: Brett Dennen - There Is So Much More.


I'm pissed. And probably I shouldn't be. The thing with disposable things and people and situations and relationships is that you have to keep in mind, all the time, that they are in fact, disposable.

Disposable, in that context, can mean a bunch of things.. people you make friends with during a four day trip and then never hear from them again; a two day intense relationship, one night stands you'll definitely never see or hear from again; a trip you're only able to take once and so on.. But, another thing that makes all these things disposable is that they do have expiration dates and you should automatically assume that.

However, I don't think people in general are psychologically prepared for the disposable.There are those who take the disposable for non-perishable and think anything that happens could turn into solid reality and last forever.

I thought I'd be fine with the disposable thing, that I wouldn't care. Then I realized I'm just as selfish as probably most people are and also as reluctant as most people, tricking myself into believing I'd be just fine afterwards. As it turns out I do care, and it did hurt to see I became a turned page. I guess what got me is that I became disposable first for lack of a better plan and not the other way around.

It's not that I care.. I really think I don't, I think I'm just unleashing this selfish childish petty side of me, that can't stand losing or finishing last.
I wonder if all that made any sense. Ah I'm just temporarilly frustrated.

Better Off

On: Let's Go Sailing - Better Off.

I never loved nobody fully. I don't think I ever did. And it's fine I guess.. It made me think though.. This whole Mark situation made me realize how much I hate being lied to and worse, how much I hate not getting things from the beginning. I mean, I should have realized he wouldn't come back.

With time I learned to appreciate the moment, the whole thing was wonderful while it lasted and I will pobably hold on to those memories dear 'cause there's no point not doing so. I did have a good time afterall. What hurts me is when someone who got to know me well enough to realize I'm not stupid tries to use the "it's not you it's me" bid on me. :/

And I admit that this was one of the rare occasions I decided to open up and just dive in and see where it would take me. Yes, ok.. it's kinda unusual for a person to finally open up when a really long distance relationship comes up, maybe that's where you should be extra careful. Well I wasn't and I think I feel a bit bad about it. Also.. it seems as if I spent all I still had regarding affectionate feelings...

i'll be fine :)

Don't get so excited

You're likely to hurt yourself.

You're head looks disproportionate

From pushing too hard to believe



You're not wrong,

Just better off

thinking it was only love.



It hurts like a splinter stuck in your foot

And you've tried, but can't get it out.

And of course, you walk in the heat for miles.

You forget the pain,

but it comes back after a while.



You're not wrong,

Just better off thinking it was only love.

You're not wrong,

Just better off thinking it was only love,

it was only love.

You're not wrong,

Just better off thinking it was only love.

You're not wrong,

Just better off thinking it was only love,

it was only love,

it was only love,

it was only love.

A man with a plan.

On: Ben Lee - Cigarettes Will Kill You

Some people don't have a plan. They live their lives, the daily routine, day by day without any great expectations... one day at a time, being happy with the simple things in life. Other people plan too much, all the time. Everything has to be systematically planned and executed and done estrategically, so the initial goals can be reached. But even with the best plans, complications can arise, things can go wrong and suddenly you’re caught with your pants down.

The thing about plans is they don’t take into account the unexpected so when so we’re thrown in the courtball we realize all the mental rehearsals were good for nothing and there's nothing left but to improvise. Of course some of us are better at it, than others.
Some of us just have to move on to plan B and make the best of it. And sometimes what you want, is exactly what you need. But, sometimes… Sometimes what we need is a new plan.

I think that's what I need , a new plan.

Stories Don't Mean Anything If You've Got No one To Tell Them To.

On: Brandi Carlile: The Story.



I have no idea of what a real relationship is. I mean, I've had relationships but I think I never got them right. Yes, I think there is such a thing, getting it right.

I though being thin would make my life easier, it didn't. For example.. I had never gone out with someone who wouldn't call me on the next day or finding someone who'd come to me with promises and telling me a lot of nice things creating this bond and making me believe all that and then he'd just vanish, he'd just disappear. Nowadays it's so common and I'm still catched by surprise over and over again.



Changing is something extraordinaire. I strongly believe that when there's real change, people don't try hard to show it, they just let it out, without aknowledging it, through the pores of their skin, there's just something different and you can tell. They are so into themselves (in a positive way, obviously) that it gets to other people without any effort.And it's everywhere, from body language to topics of discussion, I believe that what keeps us going is the constant possibility of change.

Where Are We, What The Hell Is Going On?

On: Imogen Heap - The Moment I Said It.

I miss Mark. From day one I thought I'd probably miss him, but I honestly didn't think I'd actually miss him, I thought I'd take things less seriously, I thought I'd just go with the flow.I didn't think I'd actually have this "stand by" feeling.

What really kills me is not being able to know from him, I mean, he does leave messages saying everything's fine and that's he's alive ahah. It's good, but I need a little bit more. different cultures are a bitch, i already knew that one, but i wish i had more info on that. Or at least that I would care less about it.

The Moment I Said it.

There's so much to come out.

1- After this weekend I realized I've actually got something special. I'm happy to be who I am, I'm happy with everything I've accomplished. Talking to Tata, I had to go to the me-quitting-my-job topic. I had to take that huge question mark out of my head. Can it possibly be true that working for me is a luxury? In a way that since i don't work because i need to, I just don't give it the propper attention or maybe I don't get the true meaning of it... Is irresponsability really my modus operandi?

She then said that, refer to that as something I don't care cause I don't need to is rude but in a way, that's actually it. I don't need to and probably that's why I gave up when I felt the preassure. It scared me. It suddenly hit me I know nothing about being a grown up and that's all because I've always had everything I wanted. Not really like that, I don't think of myself as being a spoiled little brat, I did see myself as "poor little rich girl" sometimes.

The thing is, we're not rich. We do have good money conditions though, my dad doesn't make tons of money, he just manages it really well. He was able to pay for our education and for cool things like trips abroad and giving me a car when I turned eighteen. He's always been there for me and my sister. He's got his problems, of course. Sometimes he can be extra tough and have reactions that are totally uncalled for but still.. It's always possible to count on him.
However, I don't think I've ever realized that having all that makes me scared of the real world now, I'm not sure I can make it. I'm not sure how anyone makes it. The idea of supporting myself of depending on me is almost unbearable and inconceivable.

The thought of depending on a job where you don't make good money and you're still misstreated or swamped in work and amazing preassure is like... totally weird for me. I'm saying this from what i've experienced, from the places where I worked. Is it really like that? I mean... it doesn't make sense to me. It again makes me wonder how spoiled am I to not know that or for complaining about it...?

Another thing is, since i was a child this rich thing has "haunted me" our house is the biggest one in the neighborhood, but it did take 20 years for us to build it, aside from that and the fact that my dad would always make good deals and change his car every two months, we never did anything to earn that reputation. It always bothered me, it makes me feel like I don't know things,. that I'm clueless about life and the world and people 'cause I don't know what's like to live off yourself. For years I thought it was more of a curse than a blessing, to be able to have all this without so much effort. Most of my friends didn't have all that in life and it makes me guilty. Makes me feel awkward. Sounds stupid? Probably... I should be happy instead of feeling bad about it. I do, I just feel like I don't belong.

I'm always trying to be a better person, I'm always open to conversation, to criticism because I do believe in constant improvement. I used to hate the fact other people around me didn't act the same way. I left my therapist saying I had finally understood people don't have to agree all the time and that being sad or feeling hurt or annoyed by something or someone it's my business, almost a choice really. I'm glad I got that.

A couple days before I left I came to him and said something I friend of mine had told me, that he didn't understand why poor people, people who had to work almost their entire lives to be able to survive rarely complain about psychological conditions. I don't believe in that, it's a myth. But it made me think that I might be having too much free time to think and re-think about everything's that's been going on with me.

Can't finish my thoughts..

Comptine D'un Autre Ete.

On: Aimee Mann - Guys Like Me.


I still think that where you start isnt necessarily where you're going to end. Again i see myself drowning in thougths that now are absorbing, but they don't have to be, and i know that. It's funny how we constantly forget that we only worry about things we want to. I mean, it sounds crazy but if you think about it, that's really it. We only feel the things we want to feel, we only give too much because we want to. I know, u sure can make things sound easier than they really are, but it is true though. The problem is "how do I reach that kind of understanding and how much am i willing to compromise?"

My parents raised me too well, I can be nasty in a sarcastic kind of way but at the same time I can be such a good person, specially when it comes to other people. When it comes to take care of myself, Im not that good.

I honestly think of myself as being a pain in the ass, as being overly spoiled and having severe mood swings. I think i dont know the true value of things and how hard it actually is to get them, i think i take money and hard work for granted. And i think for me feelings and people and things and general have expiration dates. I think im sad and lonely. I think im probably the saddest girl to ever hold a tequila. I also think i enjoy being too sorry for myself but I used to feel worse about myself in the past.

Writing on the Walls

I thought if i should write about it or not, im not sure how much i want to remember this, but ive been trying this new thing we're ill keep everything that matters (or mattered at some point) in writing.
We had an argument today, the strangest one possible. I was sensitive ans whinny all day, im upset about not getting my visa or at least finding out how difficult it is to get one. Plus uni is almost over and i still dont know what i want to do with my life and stuff. But that's the thing, during the day THAT is what was going on in my mind and nothing else. In my head we were fine.
Im feeling well lonely because that's what happened to me, im alone. Im not saying it's a bad thing or that im lonely because of something i did hence i deserve to be lonely. I was just hit by it all of a sudden. And i needed to talk to someone. I tried to call him but he'd tell me he'd call me back and then i didnt get any call backs and i really wanted to hear his voice or hear any random stories about his day, that's all i wanted... I tried to call him 3 times on his cell and then i called the hotel room. What he thought meant i was being paranoid and that i wanted to check on him. At first he asked me how i was and then he asked if i was paranoid and from then on he started to assume i was jealous or that i was maybe demanding to much from our relationship. And then he'd say he loves me and that feels paranoid about going out because he thinks i am paranoid about it.
The conversation started to lean towards that way, but not because of me, throughout the whole time i was trying to make him understand that i wasnt like that because of him or our relationship, we're fine. Im just emotional...then he went on how difficult relationships can be when you're miles away from each other. (wich scared me a bit because if he came to that conclusion he might as well decide it's too hard so it's best to stop while we're still in the beginning)
And then he said we should talk tomorrow because we'd end up having an argument and that's where i lost myself. I was already feeling suffocated because he wouldnt let me speak and he was there, assuming i was demanding too much and that i was being possessive and paranoid. Then i ended up almost crying but i held it in, because as i already said, ive been sensitive the entire day and when i realized he misunderstood me completely, i lost it. I was trying to say "i just..." meaning to say "i just wanted to talk to u for a bit" he again said we should talk tomorrow. Made me more confused and while i was talking i realized i was talking to myself because there wasnt anyone else on the other side of the line. I dont know if i lost connection or if he actually hung up on me. And i know that getting hung up on is awful but under these circumstances, i dont know how bad it really was.
I wonder what's gonna happen tomorrow.