More Than A Virtue.

On: Pete Yorn - June

I have a tendency of putting myself in situations that will probably be hard to get out of or that won't add anything to my life. Sometimes I just don't take the time to weigh things and see the pros and cons of doing something. I get impulsive and anxious and then I just have to do it. Yesterday it wasnt very different, but in a way it was.

Went to the gas station for gas and bumped into some guys from the past, old friends. The good thing about patience is that it always gives you extra time, and if you're patient when it comes to people you're always ahead. They all started talking about how much they liked me and how much they missed me and home estimated I am... Saying how perfect we were for each other (my ex and I) and that I'm all he thinks and talks about and that he hasn't been able to move on. Of course, half an hour and a couple of beers later, I learn he's going out with the ex before me. I was so glad to see I had no reaction, like.. I didnt feel sad or angry or jealous, it was as if I was hearing from someone I knew but haven't heard of for a long time. I felt sorry for him though because that girl is weird and unstable... Well when they were dating they have a lover's tiff once and she decided to go out. Nine months later she was pregnant from a guy she didnt even know the name. Do you really go back to a person like that?

It sounds terrible but it's good to have the opportunity of reassuring yourself you got the better deal. Situations like that make you thing if you're either being selfish or if you're putting yourself in first place. That was something that bugged me for a long time. He was constantly complaining about his money situation and the fact that nothing would work out for him and then every six months he either wanted to be a writer or a cartoonist or have a band and make money with it or.. He wouldnt make an extra effort to leave home and was constantly using the fact that since he had a diploma he wouldnt submit himself to lower job positions therefore he'd have less money till something come up. After six year giving support and trying to make him see the bright side of things, doind what I could to make fim take a step foward and nothing, you end up getting tired and worn out. It's hard to wait on someone...

And it was even harder to see he never got these reasons, when I told him that he actually pulled the "poor me" stunt. Saying I am insensitive and selfish and after I lost weight he suddenly wan't good for me anymore.

It's not that I'm stubborn but I get extremelly revolted when I know I'm right and people just won't agree. I'm learning though.. If I know I'm right that should be enough for me, don't need to convince people.

During a very long time I suffered for not knowing the best way to conduct things. I kept thinking that if I left him for all those reasons I'd be being insensitive for not helping out more, for not giving more support but then on the other hand I was always putting myself aside and I was starting to feel the effects of that. I'm very happy the way I am and with all the things that have been happening to me right now. But every now and then I start looking for that line, for the difference and when it is selfishness and when it's just self-respect.