Kinda Like On TV.

On: Pete Yorn - Strange Condition.

Yesterday I had an unusual experience. I decided to go out for coffee with my ex's sister-in-law. I met her around 5pm and I got home around 10pm. We talked about the most random things and, in the end I realized I was talking about my trip and the reasons why I'm going and costs and all and when I noticed, she was talking about coming along!

I know, this introduction sounded as if I didn't want her to come along, well honestly I don't know. I'm more of a loner, I don't get attatched and I like to think of myself as self-sufficient, hate asking other people for help or favors in general. And I'm not good with being patient and having tag alongs with me, I'm scared and I get easily bored and annoyed.

Although, while we were talking I realized everything I lack, she's got and vice versa. Like, she's all caring and fun and full of all things nice. She's got all those housekeeping qualities and she enjoys it. She's goal oriented and very responsable. I'm moody and full of insights but im very fast and independent and I just do things, dont wait around much.

It was the first time I had a real long conversation with her and her alone. Before I'd only meet her during family gatherings and always with my ex so I couldn'r really talk to her.

As she were making plans and talking about all the things we'd do and how much fun we'd have, I panicked a little. I know it sounds funny but I did. I don't have close friends and while growing up i didnt have those sleep overs in other girls houses, I wasn't part of a girls only club, I didn't buy the same things other girls did and I didnt have my own click and all, and she's that kind of girl and I'm not. I'm moody and I'm bitter and I make constant jokes, obviously using humor as defense mechanism so I don't have to get envolved. I could almost say I'm a bit dark and twisty, scary and damaged, it wouldn't be entirely wrong to admit that, I guess. It's part of who I am and I kinda like it. It's part of my charming personality hahaha.

And she, she's all witty and she's happy and she's got faith in life, not that I don't, i think i can be pretty positive about life and all that but she'ss got something else... Although I shouldn't probably forget that she's probably got a downside as well, like a dark and twisty thing. I mean, I'm also full of nice cute things, even though I never care much for them.

And then yesterday, on my way home, I realized how bothered I was that she got so excited about tagging along and then I thought that this, her feeling so into coming with me, can turn out to be a good thing., I'm still not super excited about the idea but maybe it's what I need in a way. I need to learn how to be less... socially challenged I believe. With me its usually like that, random friends, people that come and go, and they rarely stick around. I don't know if it's me or them, it just happens. So it's only natural that I feel aprehensive when someone wants to come so close to me and learn from me and sees potential in me. It's just weird, no, not weird, it's new. I'm afraid that I might not set limits again and that I might end up in the same I'm already trying to run away from.