C'est noir et Je me sens terrible.

Yann Tiersen - La Dispute.


I think you can reach rock bottom when you find yourself in self-pitty. It's scary and surprising at the same time it was kinda expected. The good news is there's some dignity in self-pity, not spreading it out so other people will join you helps a lot.
I can't get over the fact I'm sure my parents are always waiting for me to screw up, I'm often sure they have a total incapacity of wishing people well, meaning it, not out of jelousy or lack of interest in what they got. I think they are arrogant and stubborn and shallow and phony. I think most of their reactions towards people are fake and filled with vicious second intetions. I think they are mean and cruel and have no idea of how easier things could actually be. I'm scared I'll turn into them. Unstable, uncapable of being nice or positive about live, uncapable of giving people compliments I'm afraid of becoming highly judgemental and having way high expectations about people in general, expectations no human being could ever achieve but i would have grown way too self absorbed and egoistic to realized that or to aknowledge the fact people grow and improve constantly. I don't ever want to have the feeling I need no improvement or that I am improving when I'm actually not.
I'm also afraid they might haive damaged me for life. The worst part of it all is that they don't see it. They are capable of saying the most terrible unthinkable words, things I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I do think words are worse than a punch in the face. I cannot believe though that some people only feel it when it happens to them and not when they do it.
It's been over a year that I don't wake up with a smile on my face or not sighing because I feel I have another day ahead of me, another amount of hours that pass as if seconds were minutes it takes so long. I would dare to say it sometimes feels like I'm in a war (the way i think war would be like) You're constantly aware, wondering if you'll survive that day, you're constantly irritated and stressed due to the excess of awareness, you can't stay calm, you can't close your eyes and relaxing is not even taken into consideration. The whole day is about the expectation, what's gonna happen, what's about to come up... but it can never be good. not now and not in the long run.
Now, what really kills me is the feeling of being ungrateful or inconsiderate for keeping in mind i dont think they are nice people and I wish i had nothing to do with them. I'm always in between, afteral they gave me good education and all the finacial and material support I needed and sometimes it almost feels like I spent my entire life looking for a gap, a crack on that cristal dome of good life I lived in. At the same time I worry I pass the poor little rich girl impression. And then I end up struggling with myself, tryinhg to be logical and thinking there will never be enough money or assets good enough to make you feel loved and that before being parents or friends or lovers or whatever, we're all humans and as humans we have our own limits and no one has the right to go over them and we do not have to let some people do that just because we think we're in some sort of debt. But that's how I feel all the time, that I'm incompetent and in debt, and I feel the weight of guilt, of not being good enough, all the time.
I can't get over they wont change and they might never see my point and that my changing when it comes to them is limited. I can only do so much, I can't get over the fact my dad does not remember being inconvenient and arrogant and rude and cruel so many times with me, in front of strangers, making me feel like crap and he doens't even remember or care. I can't just let it go and accept he's an asshole regardless all the things he's ever given me. I dont thin I've ever felt this frustrated or disappointed before. And I don't think I've never wished to have this feeling lasting for a very, very long time.
I can't live with my sister's pettiness and my mom's two faced attitude towards people and not her drama or her defensive/childish/hurtful behavior.
And no, i have absolutely nothing good to say about them. I tried but I just no longer care. I don't think I've ever felt so alone and it feels so bad. I'm not sure I want to change that either, not right now at least. There's a lot ahead, hopefully. I wish I don't have to come back, I hope I don't have to come back.'
I know things are getting better for me, especially with the visa and all but they have a special way of putting me down of making me feel worthless and cheap and snotty and arrogant. My own parents, I don't know if there's anything worse than your parents not having faith on you at all.
Maybe they do, maybe they love me afteral and they do wish me all the best things in the world, maybe they do think I can pull it off and I'll become great some day but I'm tired of having to read between the line and getting their way of expressing their emotions or being understanding and comprehensive and searching for logical psychological evidence on the probable way they were brought up to justify the fact they just can't pay you a compliemt or admit they may be wrong or be more humble and that they can't express themselves more clearly. I don't care if i sound childish or spoiled now or whatever, words do mean the world to me, I'm a big believer of their power and I do believe compliments keep you on track, make you more confident and give you more prospects and hope and energy to keep on going, to find what you're looking for. Humans are social beings therefore we need verbal or meaningful signs of support, to me those can be words, that's all.
I just might be damaged and twisty for life. Oh well..

Even Artichokes Have Hearts.

I have always thought that if one thing goes wrong more than once with you, it's probably because you didn't do something right. For instance, if a certain number of people (any number bigger than one actually) starts to keep a distance from you it's because you're probably the cause of it. If you get in trouble constantly, it's because you are making that happen. Or is it?

I've decided that from now on I'll treat people close to me differently. When I was younger my grandmother used to say that when it rains it's because God was sad about something and then she'd ask me "what did you do this time, you shouldn't let God down, he would never do the same to you". I think this is such an Amélie Poulain thing! Come to think of it, her and I have a lot in common. I've never had close friends, my parents are completely unbalanced (but I keep idealizing things the other way around and that's where I go wrong, I know) I like paying attentions to details other people don't like, when people are distracted I like observing them and elaborating theories on what they might be thinking about; I like to drive and "play" air instruments even when there's people around and I do my best to ignore them and pretend I'm alone. I daydream too much and I want to help people whenever I can cause it makes me feel good to see them happy, that's the only thing I expect in return.

But probably these are the only things we have in common.

A man with a plan.

Yeah ok, this probably something I should come up with like... in december, as new year's resolutions but, thing is I've got waaayyy too much free time in my hands lately and I've decided it's time to be a little positive about things, therefore these are my "As soon as I'm in America" resolutions. I figure after 10 months people change... So I hope I change for the better and, for the sake of positive thinking, I came up with these.

I'm gonna have ten months to have most of these things turned into reality for me. And I think it should be in writting or else,it doesn't really count. Hey, it's not me, it's the system that lays down the rules so... So ok, here it goes.

I've decided ill create the best TV show in the history of television and that my ratings will be much higher than when there's a soccer game where Brasil is playing or when it's the world cup and Italy is - and I will be extremelly praised by all critics. And I've decided that, despite that fact (that I came up with the best TV show ever), I won't act all bugged and uncomfortable when the paparazzi hunt me for spontaneous pictures and, when I'm on a celebrity gossip TV show interview, I won't say "Aw that person is awesome" or "ah he's a good friend of mine, he's a babe!"I'll be honest.

I've decided my book will finally go past the computer keyboards and will be in a bookstore next to you. And in it you'll find more elaborated dialogues than Aldous Huxley's and more spontaneous than J.D. Salinger's and funnier/obvious than Jerry Seinfield's and the first edition will be published in 180 languages and 34 dialects. I've decided that this book will grant me a Nobel Prize and an extra chair in the Brazilian Writers Academy specially for me - by the head of the table, of course. And I'll be the first "immortal" to wear a specially made uniform, gala gawns based on Disney female characters. They will come in 4 different colors and it will be totally ok for me to wear Havaianas with them, in fact, they will be the same color as the dresses.
On Letterman, I'll say: "Hemingway who?". And to Oprah I'll say: "Excuse me, I'm the one doing the talking". I 've decided Stella MacCartney, Valentino, Carolina Herrera and Giorgio Armani will come check with me about the last trend and what color will be the next pink. Gisele Bundchen will come to me for diet tips and I'll talk to Heidi Klum about having so many children.

I've decided my drawings will be discovered by a scout a la Andy Warhol and that museums from all over the world will take Lichtenstein off their walls so they will have room for my art. I've decided to re-invent all theories regarding black holes and prove each one of them making Stephen Hawking jump from his wheelchair, oh by the way, proving Stephen Hawking doesn't even need a wheelchair will give me a Pulitzer.


I've decided to think new thoughts, the kind that would make Plato miss his cavern and Kierkergaard re-think his "irony concept". I've decided I'll win the Fields Medal, despite my similarities to John Nash go as far as seeing/hearing people/things that aren't there.(oh, and Bhaskara is not one of those people)
I've decided I'm gonna be just like Angelina Jolie - physically I mean, even if that means having to go thru small plastic surgeries (ok, maybe not that small).

I've decided that, financially, I'll beat Bill Gates and with that money I'll do more excentric things than just put little secret games on Excel spreadsheets. Ah and that I'll be offered a house in Tahiti Beach in exchange for my appareance in one of "Life of Luxury"episodes. And that the parties I'll throw will have the Pixies live and Tiësto and Paul Van Dyk fighting over the control of the pick-up tables will be more disputed than Hugh Hefner's, dispersando sua criação de coelhas. But even though I already have that house, I 've decided that Zaha Hadid will offer himself to design me another one, and I'll take it.

I've decided that thanks to an awesome acting course I'll be hired for the next hit franchise, above all James Bonds and Indiana Jones and Tomb Raiders and Harry Potters. I've decided I'll be Miss Universe without even going to a beauty pageant, judges will just look at me and know it's the right thing to do.

I 've decided I'll make Ronald McDonald work for Burger King from now on and that everything in both places will have 50kcal tops. Coca-Cola will give me their secret 'cause they think I'm the best one to keep it. I'll also discover (by mistake) what's the secret ingredient in the Big Mac sauce and I'll blackmail them. Either they pay me a really good allowance to keep my mouth shut or they'll have to go vegetarian (yes, I'm talking about replacing the potatos for carrots too - that kind of vegetarian.)

I've decided I'll get the whole original cast form Beverly Hills 90210 to shoot 112 new episodes just for me. Brenda and Dylan will be together in the end, as will Kelly and Brandon and that will be so cool I'll make them marry each other in real life too.

I 've decided that, as a Nobel winner writer, I will, I'll give opinions about the script and make the movie the favorite for the Oscars and that Charlier Kaufman will ask me for tips to make his own. With that, I'll win two Oscars, Best Actress and of course, Best Screenplay writher (and yes, I'm talking about 2009 Oscar) And the publicity for that blockbuster release will get me an Titanium Lion from Cannes.

I 've decided Colin Firth will be my lover. And/or George Clooney. And/or Vincent Cassel. And/or Keanu Reeves. And/or Justin Timberlake. And/or Adam Levine. And/or Brendan Routh. And/or Brad Pitt. And/or Michael Vartan. And/or Tom Welling. And/or Rodrigo Hilbert. And/or Gerard Butler. And/or Leonardo DiCaprio. And/or Patrick Dempsey. And/or David Beckham. And/or Matthew McConaughey. And/or Hugh Jackman. And/or Jake Gyllenhaal. And not just them. And not necessarily in that order. And not necessarily one at a time. And I've decided their love for me will be true, if it's not, I'll buy one that is.

I've decided I'll discover the cure for cancer and AIDS and that I'll find the perfect solution to end hunger in Africa and Brazil and in any other place in the world. That my speeches will seal the peace between jews and palestinans, between greeks and trojans,between Courtney Love and Dave Grohl.I've also decided I'll find Osama Bin Laden, and find out who created the "death dolls" and what's stonehenge for. I'll also find the island where Elvis, James Brown, Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, Locke, Sayid went to.

I decided I'll start a business in an inovating area, never thought before. Something that will make youtube look like hippie craftwork. And, if you have no idea of what I'm talking about, it means I'm on the right way.

And that's some of the few things I hope to accomplish while I'm there and if not... Well, I'm still young. :)

There Ain't No Reason.

On: Brett Dennen - There ain't no Reason.

there ain't no reasons things are this way

its how they've always been and they intend to stay

i can't explain why we live this way

we do it everyday

preachers on the podiums speaking to saints

prophets on the sidewalks begging for change

old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name

i got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same

a window and a pigeon with a broken wing

you can spend your whole life working for something

just to have it taken away

people walk around pushing back their desks

wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets

talking 'bout nothing, not thinking about their

every little heart beat, every little breath

people walk a tight rope on a razor's edge

carrying their hurt and hatred and weapon

sit could be a bomb or a bullet or a pinor a thought or a word or a sentence.

there ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay

i don't know why i say the things i say,

but i say them anyway.

but love will come set me free

love will come set me free

i do believelove will come set me free

i know it will

love will come set me free yes

prison walls still standing tall

some things never change at all

keep on building prisons,

gonna fill them all.

keep on building bombs

gonna drop them all

working your fingers bare to the bone

breaking your back, make you sell your soul

like a lung is filled with coal, suffocating slow

the wind blows wild and i may move

but politicians lie and i'm not fooled

you don't need no reason or a 3 piece suit

to argue the truth

the air in my skin and the world under my toes

labor is stitched into the fabric of my toes

chaos and commotion wherever i go

love, i try to follow

but love will come set me free

love will come set me free

i do believe

love will come set me free

i know it will

love will come set me free yes

there ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay

i can't explain why we live this way;

we do it everyday.

Everything is Music.

On: Get Set Go (several...)



Aside from teaching, I do everything else listening to music, always have. It's almost like as if I had a theme song for every situation in my life. Music plays such an important part in my life that sometimes I don't even realize what an important role they play in my life, there are songs I can't listen to anymore 'cause I ended up relating them to some situations in my life in such levels I couldn't even describe. For example:





- My first crush ever: No Doubt - Don't Speak

- My second crush: Roxette - Spending My Time

- Another crush: Bon Jovi - This Ain't a Love Song

- Adolescence Soundtrack: Alanis Morissette (pretty much everything she recorded)

- My first teenage crush: Seal - Kiss from a Rose;

- First internet crush: Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing;

- Fights with the first boyfriend: Goo Goo Dolls - Iris;

- First boyfriend's official break up song: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californication;

- First best friend "break up": Alanis Morissette - Uninvited;

- 16 year old non-stop song (and I do mean non stop): Celine Dion - My heart Will Go On;

- Another one I listened to non-stop: Roxette - Wish I could Fly;

- Second boyfriend theme song: Rolling Stones - Miss you;

- Second boyfriend break up#1 song: Avril Lavigne - Complicated;

- Trip to England: The Rolling Stones - Voodoo Lounge (the whole album)

- Third boyfriend: Imogen Heap - Goodnight and Go.





And there are several others involved I won't be able to listen to for quite some time, like "The Manic Street Preachers" and Jack Johnson for example.


What I find interesting though is when i find the perfect song for the perfect day, I may not get the best pictures (but i did love that one, I sooo feel like that cat - except i haven't got a cow suit... and that child sooo reminds me of my parents - except they don't have any eastern backround... it's the perfect "visual metaphore"), but you have to admit it's a pretty funny picture, to me it looks like one of those "it would be funny if it weren't tragic" moments.
There's this band that I'm particularly fond of, "Get Set Go" that has go just the perfect lyrics, at least for today. The things about them is that they've got this really cool, nice, sweet melody and musicality with very "raw" lyrcs, wich makes the song sound a mix between irony and sarcasm but, at the same time it almost sounds naive. I don't know.. some sort of "cute angry".

- Ok so, since this is MY blog and I do whatever I want.. I'll post the lyrics (I mean plural) I feel have got the most to do with me today. Ah, one other thing.. the lyrics may seem a little bit too much, almost heavy metal satan's hardcore but its not, trust me! download them and you'll see why i like them so much.



*Die Motherfucker, Die.



Die, mother fucker die/I want to see you cry/And then I'll watch you die/I want to hurt you, torture and desert you/Take a hot poker and stick it where the Sun don't shine..then watch you die/Cause I, I'm having a bad day/So get out of my way/Or you will pay and you'll pay with your Life/I, I'm having a bad day/So what else can I say/I just wanna kill and be killed just the Same/Cause my day sucks ass/Die, mother fucker die/I'll burn out both your eyes/And fill the sockets full of lye/I'll carve out your skull and turn into a Bowl that I'll eat cereal with while I Watch the Flinstones/And I, I'll do it with a smile/Die Motherfucker Die /Cause I, I'm having a bad day/So get out of my way/Or you will pay and you'll pay with your Life/I, I'm having a bad day/So what else can I say/I just want to kill and be killed just the Same/Cause my day sucks ass/I don't want to work/I don't want to pay bills/And I don't want to grow old/And I don't want to be poor/I don't want to drive in traffic/I don't want to deal with dating/I don't want to stand in line/I don't want to pay any taxes/Die, mother fucker die/Why won't you just die?And get out of my life/I want to move to some deserted desert island where I will live up coconuts and everything will be fine all of the time/Cause I, I'm having a bad day/So get out of my way/Of you will pay and you will pay with your life/I, I'm having a bad day/So what else can I say/I just want to kill and be killed just the same/Cause my day sucks ass.



*I Hate Everyone.



Some stupid chick in the checkout line/Was paying for beer with nickels and dimes/And some old man who clipped coupons/Had argued whenever they wouldn't take one/All I wanted to was buy some cigarettes/But I couldn't take it anymore so I left/I hate everyone (4x)/All the people on the street, I hate you all/And the people that I meet, I hate you all/And the people that I know, I hate you all/And the people that I don't, I hate you all/Oh, I hate you all/Some fucking asshole just cut me off/And gave me the finger when I fucking honked/Then he proceeded to put on the brakes/He slammed on the brakes, but I made a mistake/When I climbed out of my van he was waiting/But he was six three and two hundred pounds of Satan/I hate everyone (4x)/All the people on the street, I hate you all/ And the people that I meet, I hate you all/And the people that I know, I hate you all/And the people that I don't, I hate you all/Oh, I hate you all/I bet you think I'm kidding/But I promise you its true/I hate most everybody/But most of all I hate/Oh, I hate you/All the people on the street, I hate you all/And the people that I meet, I hate you all/And the people that I know, I hate you all/And the people that I don't, I hate you all/And the people in the east, I hate you all/And the people I hate least, I hate you all/And the people in the west, I hate you all/And the people I like best, I hate you all/Oh, I hate you all.



*Sleep.



I'm so tired that I could sleep for a year/The sound of snoring is the only thing you would hear/I'm so tired that I could sleep my life away/I'm so tired I'm way too tired to play/I need my sleep/I need it right now/I need my sleep/Or I'm going down/I need my sleep/I need it today/I need my sleep/Without delay/I'm so tired that I could sleep til I'm old/And if I awoke, it would only be to use the toilet bowl/I'm so tired that I could sleep my life away/I'm so tired I'm way too tired to say/I need my sleep/I need it right now/I need my sleep/Or I'm going down/I need my sleep/I need it today I need my sleep/Without delay/I can't sleep for all the clamor and the clang of all the people as I'm singing all these same old love songs/I can't sleep for all the clamor and the clang of all the people as I'm singing all these same old love songs/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep/I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep/I pray the lord my soul, my soul to keep/I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep.





Yeah ok, or maybe it's me who's just bitter.

The Importance of Being Clumsy

I think I use too many words, I talk too much. I am one of those people who keeps trying to fix what sometimes doesn't need fixing. I am one of those people who can forget when to shut up, for G%d sake, I'm one of those people who enters a funeral and is lucky enough to say "hey, how are you?" to that one person who's suffering the most with the loss. Sometimes it sucks, other times I just play along, pretend it's not a big deal and don't even try and fix it. Although, when it matters to me, I keep trying to fix it, and making it worse (probably).
I always feel the need to explain myself, to be thorough about my thoughts and what I'm trying to say all the time - yes, it can be very tiresome.
Oh, I don't think there's an end for this one today.

More Than A Virtue.

On: Pete Yorn - June

I have a tendency of putting myself in situations that will probably be hard to get out of or that won't add anything to my life. Sometimes I just don't take the time to weigh things and see the pros and cons of doing something. I get impulsive and anxious and then I just have to do it. Yesterday it wasnt very different, but in a way it was.

Went to the gas station for gas and bumped into some guys from the past, old friends. The good thing about patience is that it always gives you extra time, and if you're patient when it comes to people you're always ahead. They all started talking about how much they liked me and how much they missed me and home estimated I am... Saying how perfect we were for each other (my ex and I) and that I'm all he thinks and talks about and that he hasn't been able to move on. Of course, half an hour and a couple of beers later, I learn he's going out with the ex before me. I was so glad to see I had no reaction, like.. I didnt feel sad or angry or jealous, it was as if I was hearing from someone I knew but haven't heard of for a long time. I felt sorry for him though because that girl is weird and unstable... Well when they were dating they have a lover's tiff once and she decided to go out. Nine months later she was pregnant from a guy she didnt even know the name. Do you really go back to a person like that?

It sounds terrible but it's good to have the opportunity of reassuring yourself you got the better deal. Situations like that make you thing if you're either being selfish or if you're putting yourself in first place. That was something that bugged me for a long time. He was constantly complaining about his money situation and the fact that nothing would work out for him and then every six months he either wanted to be a writer or a cartoonist or have a band and make money with it or.. He wouldnt make an extra effort to leave home and was constantly using the fact that since he had a diploma he wouldnt submit himself to lower job positions therefore he'd have less money till something come up. After six year giving support and trying to make him see the bright side of things, doind what I could to make fim take a step foward and nothing, you end up getting tired and worn out. It's hard to wait on someone...

And it was even harder to see he never got these reasons, when I told him that he actually pulled the "poor me" stunt. Saying I am insensitive and selfish and after I lost weight he suddenly wan't good for me anymore.

It's not that I'm stubborn but I get extremelly revolted when I know I'm right and people just won't agree. I'm learning though.. If I know I'm right that should be enough for me, don't need to convince people.

During a very long time I suffered for not knowing the best way to conduct things. I kept thinking that if I left him for all those reasons I'd be being insensitive for not helping out more, for not giving more support but then on the other hand I was always putting myself aside and I was starting to feel the effects of that. I'm very happy the way I am and with all the things that have been happening to me right now. But every now and then I start looking for that line, for the difference and when it is selfishness and when it's just self-respect.