The Moment I Said it.

There's so much to come out.

1- After this weekend I realized I've actually got something special. I'm happy to be who I am, I'm happy with everything I've accomplished. Talking to Tata, I had to go to the me-quitting-my-job topic. I had to take that huge question mark out of my head. Can it possibly be true that working for me is a luxury? In a way that since i don't work because i need to, I just don't give it the propper attention or maybe I don't get the true meaning of it... Is irresponsability really my modus operandi?

She then said that, refer to that as something I don't care cause I don't need to is rude but in a way, that's actually it. I don't need to and probably that's why I gave up when I felt the preassure. It scared me. It suddenly hit me I know nothing about being a grown up and that's all because I've always had everything I wanted. Not really like that, I don't think of myself as being a spoiled little brat, I did see myself as "poor little rich girl" sometimes.

The thing is, we're not rich. We do have good money conditions though, my dad doesn't make tons of money, he just manages it really well. He was able to pay for our education and for cool things like trips abroad and giving me a car when I turned eighteen. He's always been there for me and my sister. He's got his problems, of course. Sometimes he can be extra tough and have reactions that are totally uncalled for but still.. It's always possible to count on him.
However, I don't think I've ever realized that having all that makes me scared of the real world now, I'm not sure I can make it. I'm not sure how anyone makes it. The idea of supporting myself of depending on me is almost unbearable and inconceivable.

The thought of depending on a job where you don't make good money and you're still misstreated or swamped in work and amazing preassure is like... totally weird for me. I'm saying this from what i've experienced, from the places where I worked. Is it really like that? I mean... it doesn't make sense to me. It again makes me wonder how spoiled am I to not know that or for complaining about it...?

Another thing is, since i was a child this rich thing has "haunted me" our house is the biggest one in the neighborhood, but it did take 20 years for us to build it, aside from that and the fact that my dad would always make good deals and change his car every two months, we never did anything to earn that reputation. It always bothered me, it makes me feel like I don't know things,. that I'm clueless about life and the world and people 'cause I don't know what's like to live off yourself. For years I thought it was more of a curse than a blessing, to be able to have all this without so much effort. Most of my friends didn't have all that in life and it makes me guilty. Makes me feel awkward. Sounds stupid? Probably... I should be happy instead of feeling bad about it. I do, I just feel like I don't belong.

I'm always trying to be a better person, I'm always open to conversation, to criticism because I do believe in constant improvement. I used to hate the fact other people around me didn't act the same way. I left my therapist saying I had finally understood people don't have to agree all the time and that being sad or feeling hurt or annoyed by something or someone it's my business, almost a choice really. I'm glad I got that.

A couple days before I left I came to him and said something I friend of mine had told me, that he didn't understand why poor people, people who had to work almost their entire lives to be able to survive rarely complain about psychological conditions. I don't believe in that, it's a myth. But it made me think that I might be having too much free time to think and re-think about everything's that's been going on with me.

Can't finish my thoughts..