A man with a plan.

Yeah ok, this probably something I should come up with like... in december, as new year's resolutions but, thing is I've got waaayyy too much free time in my hands lately and I've decided it's time to be a little positive about things, therefore these are my "As soon as I'm in America" resolutions. I figure after 10 months people change... So I hope I change for the better and, for the sake of positive thinking, I came up with these.

I'm gonna have ten months to have most of these things turned into reality for me. And I think it should be in writting or else,it doesn't really count. Hey, it's not me, it's the system that lays down the rules so... So ok, here it goes.

I've decided ill create the best TV show in the history of television and that my ratings will be much higher than when there's a soccer game where Brasil is playing or when it's the world cup and Italy is - and I will be extremelly praised by all critics. And I've decided that, despite that fact (that I came up with the best TV show ever), I won't act all bugged and uncomfortable when the paparazzi hunt me for spontaneous pictures and, when I'm on a celebrity gossip TV show interview, I won't say "Aw that person is awesome" or "ah he's a good friend of mine, he's a babe!"I'll be honest.

I've decided my book will finally go past the computer keyboards and will be in a bookstore next to you. And in it you'll find more elaborated dialogues than Aldous Huxley's and more spontaneous than J.D. Salinger's and funnier/obvious than Jerry Seinfield's and the first edition will be published in 180 languages and 34 dialects. I've decided that this book will grant me a Nobel Prize and an extra chair in the Brazilian Writers Academy specially for me - by the head of the table, of course. And I'll be the first "immortal" to wear a specially made uniform, gala gawns based on Disney female characters. They will come in 4 different colors and it will be totally ok for me to wear Havaianas with them, in fact, they will be the same color as the dresses.
On Letterman, I'll say: "Hemingway who?". And to Oprah I'll say: "Excuse me, I'm the one doing the talking". I 've decided Stella MacCartney, Valentino, Carolina Herrera and Giorgio Armani will come check with me about the last trend and what color will be the next pink. Gisele Bundchen will come to me for diet tips and I'll talk to Heidi Klum about having so many children.

I've decided my drawings will be discovered by a scout a la Andy Warhol and that museums from all over the world will take Lichtenstein off their walls so they will have room for my art. I've decided to re-invent all theories regarding black holes and prove each one of them making Stephen Hawking jump from his wheelchair, oh by the way, proving Stephen Hawking doesn't even need a wheelchair will give me a Pulitzer.


I've decided to think new thoughts, the kind that would make Plato miss his cavern and Kierkergaard re-think his "irony concept". I've decided I'll win the Fields Medal, despite my similarities to John Nash go as far as seeing/hearing people/things that aren't there.(oh, and Bhaskara is not one of those people)
I've decided I'm gonna be just like Angelina Jolie - physically I mean, even if that means having to go thru small plastic surgeries (ok, maybe not that small).

I've decided that, financially, I'll beat Bill Gates and with that money I'll do more excentric things than just put little secret games on Excel spreadsheets. Ah and that I'll be offered a house in Tahiti Beach in exchange for my appareance in one of "Life of Luxury"episodes. And that the parties I'll throw will have the Pixies live and Tiësto and Paul Van Dyk fighting over the control of the pick-up tables will be more disputed than Hugh Hefner's, dispersando sua criação de coelhas. But even though I already have that house, I 've decided that Zaha Hadid will offer himself to design me another one, and I'll take it.

I've decided that thanks to an awesome acting course I'll be hired for the next hit franchise, above all James Bonds and Indiana Jones and Tomb Raiders and Harry Potters. I've decided I'll be Miss Universe without even going to a beauty pageant, judges will just look at me and know it's the right thing to do.

I 've decided I'll make Ronald McDonald work for Burger King from now on and that everything in both places will have 50kcal tops. Coca-Cola will give me their secret 'cause they think I'm the best one to keep it. I'll also discover (by mistake) what's the secret ingredient in the Big Mac sauce and I'll blackmail them. Either they pay me a really good allowance to keep my mouth shut or they'll have to go vegetarian (yes, I'm talking about replacing the potatos for carrots too - that kind of vegetarian.)

I've decided I'll get the whole original cast form Beverly Hills 90210 to shoot 112 new episodes just for me. Brenda and Dylan will be together in the end, as will Kelly and Brandon and that will be so cool I'll make them marry each other in real life too.

I 've decided that, as a Nobel winner writer, I will, I'll give opinions about the script and make the movie the favorite for the Oscars and that Charlier Kaufman will ask me for tips to make his own. With that, I'll win two Oscars, Best Actress and of course, Best Screenplay writher (and yes, I'm talking about 2009 Oscar) And the publicity for that blockbuster release will get me an Titanium Lion from Cannes.

I 've decided Colin Firth will be my lover. And/or George Clooney. And/or Vincent Cassel. And/or Keanu Reeves. And/or Justin Timberlake. And/or Adam Levine. And/or Brendan Routh. And/or Brad Pitt. And/or Michael Vartan. And/or Tom Welling. And/or Rodrigo Hilbert. And/or Gerard Butler. And/or Leonardo DiCaprio. And/or Patrick Dempsey. And/or David Beckham. And/or Matthew McConaughey. And/or Hugh Jackman. And/or Jake Gyllenhaal. And not just them. And not necessarily in that order. And not necessarily one at a time. And I've decided their love for me will be true, if it's not, I'll buy one that is.

I've decided I'll discover the cure for cancer and AIDS and that I'll find the perfect solution to end hunger in Africa and Brazil and in any other place in the world. That my speeches will seal the peace between jews and palestinans, between greeks and trojans,between Courtney Love and Dave Grohl.I've also decided I'll find Osama Bin Laden, and find out who created the "death dolls" and what's stonehenge for. I'll also find the island where Elvis, James Brown, Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, Locke, Sayid went to.

I decided I'll start a business in an inovating area, never thought before. Something that will make youtube look like hippie craftwork. And, if you have no idea of what I'm talking about, it means I'm on the right way.

And that's some of the few things I hope to accomplish while I'm there and if not... Well, I'm still young. :)

There Ain't No Reason.

On: Brett Dennen - There ain't no Reason.

there ain't no reasons things are this way

its how they've always been and they intend to stay

i can't explain why we live this way

we do it everyday

preachers on the podiums speaking to saints

prophets on the sidewalks begging for change

old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name

i got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same

a window and a pigeon with a broken wing

you can spend your whole life working for something

just to have it taken away

people walk around pushing back their desks

wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets

talking 'bout nothing, not thinking about their

every little heart beat, every little breath

people walk a tight rope on a razor's edge

carrying their hurt and hatred and weapon

sit could be a bomb or a bullet or a pinor a thought or a word or a sentence.

there ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay

i don't know why i say the things i say,

but i say them anyway.

but love will come set me free

love will come set me free

i do believelove will come set me free

i know it will

love will come set me free yes

prison walls still standing tall

some things never change at all

keep on building prisons,

gonna fill them all.

keep on building bombs

gonna drop them all

working your fingers bare to the bone

breaking your back, make you sell your soul

like a lung is filled with coal, suffocating slow

the wind blows wild and i may move

but politicians lie and i'm not fooled

you don't need no reason or a 3 piece suit

to argue the truth

the air in my skin and the world under my toes

labor is stitched into the fabric of my toes

chaos and commotion wherever i go

love, i try to follow

but love will come set me free

love will come set me free

i do believe

love will come set me free

i know it will

love will come set me free yes

there ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay

i can't explain why we live this way;

we do it everyday.

Everything is Music.

On: Get Set Go (several...)



Aside from teaching, I do everything else listening to music, always have. It's almost like as if I had a theme song for every situation in my life. Music plays such an important part in my life that sometimes I don't even realize what an important role they play in my life, there are songs I can't listen to anymore 'cause I ended up relating them to some situations in my life in such levels I couldn't even describe. For example:





- My first crush ever: No Doubt - Don't Speak

- My second crush: Roxette - Spending My Time

- Another crush: Bon Jovi - This Ain't a Love Song

- Adolescence Soundtrack: Alanis Morissette (pretty much everything she recorded)

- My first teenage crush: Seal - Kiss from a Rose;

- First internet crush: Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing;

- Fights with the first boyfriend: Goo Goo Dolls - Iris;

- First boyfriend's official break up song: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californication;

- First best friend "break up": Alanis Morissette - Uninvited;

- 16 year old non-stop song (and I do mean non stop): Celine Dion - My heart Will Go On;

- Another one I listened to non-stop: Roxette - Wish I could Fly;

- Second boyfriend theme song: Rolling Stones - Miss you;

- Second boyfriend break up#1 song: Avril Lavigne - Complicated;

- Trip to England: The Rolling Stones - Voodoo Lounge (the whole album)

- Third boyfriend: Imogen Heap - Goodnight and Go.





And there are several others involved I won't be able to listen to for quite some time, like "The Manic Street Preachers" and Jack Johnson for example.


What I find interesting though is when i find the perfect song for the perfect day, I may not get the best pictures (but i did love that one, I sooo feel like that cat - except i haven't got a cow suit... and that child sooo reminds me of my parents - except they don't have any eastern backround... it's the perfect "visual metaphore"), but you have to admit it's a pretty funny picture, to me it looks like one of those "it would be funny if it weren't tragic" moments.
There's this band that I'm particularly fond of, "Get Set Go" that has go just the perfect lyrics, at least for today. The things about them is that they've got this really cool, nice, sweet melody and musicality with very "raw" lyrcs, wich makes the song sound a mix between irony and sarcasm but, at the same time it almost sounds naive. I don't know.. some sort of "cute angry".

- Ok so, since this is MY blog and I do whatever I want.. I'll post the lyrics (I mean plural) I feel have got the most to do with me today. Ah, one other thing.. the lyrics may seem a little bit too much, almost heavy metal satan's hardcore but its not, trust me! download them and you'll see why i like them so much.



*Die Motherfucker, Die.



Die, mother fucker die/I want to see you cry/And then I'll watch you die/I want to hurt you, torture and desert you/Take a hot poker and stick it where the Sun don't shine..then watch you die/Cause I, I'm having a bad day/So get out of my way/Or you will pay and you'll pay with your Life/I, I'm having a bad day/So what else can I say/I just wanna kill and be killed just the Same/Cause my day sucks ass/Die, mother fucker die/I'll burn out both your eyes/And fill the sockets full of lye/I'll carve out your skull and turn into a Bowl that I'll eat cereal with while I Watch the Flinstones/And I, I'll do it with a smile/Die Motherfucker Die /Cause I, I'm having a bad day/So get out of my way/Or you will pay and you'll pay with your Life/I, I'm having a bad day/So what else can I say/I just want to kill and be killed just the Same/Cause my day sucks ass/I don't want to work/I don't want to pay bills/And I don't want to grow old/And I don't want to be poor/I don't want to drive in traffic/I don't want to deal with dating/I don't want to stand in line/I don't want to pay any taxes/Die, mother fucker die/Why won't you just die?And get out of my life/I want to move to some deserted desert island where I will live up coconuts and everything will be fine all of the time/Cause I, I'm having a bad day/So get out of my way/Of you will pay and you will pay with your life/I, I'm having a bad day/So what else can I say/I just want to kill and be killed just the same/Cause my day sucks ass.



*I Hate Everyone.



Some stupid chick in the checkout line/Was paying for beer with nickels and dimes/And some old man who clipped coupons/Had argued whenever they wouldn't take one/All I wanted to was buy some cigarettes/But I couldn't take it anymore so I left/I hate everyone (4x)/All the people on the street, I hate you all/And the people that I meet, I hate you all/And the people that I know, I hate you all/And the people that I don't, I hate you all/Oh, I hate you all/Some fucking asshole just cut me off/And gave me the finger when I fucking honked/Then he proceeded to put on the brakes/He slammed on the brakes, but I made a mistake/When I climbed out of my van he was waiting/But he was six three and two hundred pounds of Satan/I hate everyone (4x)/All the people on the street, I hate you all/ And the people that I meet, I hate you all/And the people that I know, I hate you all/And the people that I don't, I hate you all/Oh, I hate you all/I bet you think I'm kidding/But I promise you its true/I hate most everybody/But most of all I hate/Oh, I hate you/All the people on the street, I hate you all/And the people that I meet, I hate you all/And the people that I know, I hate you all/And the people that I don't, I hate you all/And the people in the east, I hate you all/And the people I hate least, I hate you all/And the people in the west, I hate you all/And the people I like best, I hate you all/Oh, I hate you all.



*Sleep.



I'm so tired that I could sleep for a year/The sound of snoring is the only thing you would hear/I'm so tired that I could sleep my life away/I'm so tired I'm way too tired to play/I need my sleep/I need it right now/I need my sleep/Or I'm going down/I need my sleep/I need it today/I need my sleep/Without delay/I'm so tired that I could sleep til I'm old/And if I awoke, it would only be to use the toilet bowl/I'm so tired that I could sleep my life away/I'm so tired I'm way too tired to say/I need my sleep/I need it right now/I need my sleep/Or I'm going down/I need my sleep/I need it today I need my sleep/Without delay/I can't sleep for all the clamor and the clang of all the people as I'm singing all these same old love songs/I can't sleep for all the clamor and the clang of all the people as I'm singing all these same old love songs/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm going crazy/I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep/I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep/I pray the lord my soul, my soul to keep/I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep.





Yeah ok, or maybe it's me who's just bitter.

The Importance of Being Clumsy

I think I use too many words, I talk too much. I am one of those people who keeps trying to fix what sometimes doesn't need fixing. I am one of those people who can forget when to shut up, for G%d sake, I'm one of those people who enters a funeral and is lucky enough to say "hey, how are you?" to that one person who's suffering the most with the loss. Sometimes it sucks, other times I just play along, pretend it's not a big deal and don't even try and fix it. Although, when it matters to me, I keep trying to fix it, and making it worse (probably).
I always feel the need to explain myself, to be thorough about my thoughts and what I'm trying to say all the time - yes, it can be very tiresome.
Oh, I don't think there's an end for this one today.

More Than A Virtue.

On: Pete Yorn - June

I have a tendency of putting myself in situations that will probably be hard to get out of or that won't add anything to my life. Sometimes I just don't take the time to weigh things and see the pros and cons of doing something. I get impulsive and anxious and then I just have to do it. Yesterday it wasnt very different, but in a way it was.

Went to the gas station for gas and bumped into some guys from the past, old friends. The good thing about patience is that it always gives you extra time, and if you're patient when it comes to people you're always ahead. They all started talking about how much they liked me and how much they missed me and home estimated I am... Saying how perfect we were for each other (my ex and I) and that I'm all he thinks and talks about and that he hasn't been able to move on. Of course, half an hour and a couple of beers later, I learn he's going out with the ex before me. I was so glad to see I had no reaction, like.. I didnt feel sad or angry or jealous, it was as if I was hearing from someone I knew but haven't heard of for a long time. I felt sorry for him though because that girl is weird and unstable... Well when they were dating they have a lover's tiff once and she decided to go out. Nine months later she was pregnant from a guy she didnt even know the name. Do you really go back to a person like that?

It sounds terrible but it's good to have the opportunity of reassuring yourself you got the better deal. Situations like that make you thing if you're either being selfish or if you're putting yourself in first place. That was something that bugged me for a long time. He was constantly complaining about his money situation and the fact that nothing would work out for him and then every six months he either wanted to be a writer or a cartoonist or have a band and make money with it or.. He wouldnt make an extra effort to leave home and was constantly using the fact that since he had a diploma he wouldnt submit himself to lower job positions therefore he'd have less money till something come up. After six year giving support and trying to make him see the bright side of things, doind what I could to make fim take a step foward and nothing, you end up getting tired and worn out. It's hard to wait on someone...

And it was even harder to see he never got these reasons, when I told him that he actually pulled the "poor me" stunt. Saying I am insensitive and selfish and after I lost weight he suddenly wan't good for me anymore.

It's not that I'm stubborn but I get extremelly revolted when I know I'm right and people just won't agree. I'm learning though.. If I know I'm right that should be enough for me, don't need to convince people.

During a very long time I suffered for not knowing the best way to conduct things. I kept thinking that if I left him for all those reasons I'd be being insensitive for not helping out more, for not giving more support but then on the other hand I was always putting myself aside and I was starting to feel the effects of that. I'm very happy the way I am and with all the things that have been happening to me right now. But every now and then I start looking for that line, for the difference and when it is selfishness and when it's just self-respect.

Is This Really It??

On: Ingrid Michaelson - Starting Now.

If you were falling, then I would catch you.You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cuz I love the way you say good morning.And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
Cuz I love the way you call me baby.And you take me the way I am.
I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.Sew on patches to all you tear.
Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.

And you take me the way I am.

You take me the way I am.

You take me the way I am.

I was listening to that song... Thinking about relationship and this came to mind:

A couple years ago I had this friend who decided to do a research on famous men who had mistresses. She wanted to find out why would they keep and extra romance if they were already commited. Her reason to do so was she had been the mistress for over three years and she just couldnt get why.

So every week she'd post on her blog a short bio about the famous guy followed by a brief bio of the mistress as well. She didn't get to post most of the things she put together but one day, we were talking about it and she pointed out some interesting stuff... Basically most mistresses used to be more intelligent, goal driven, fun, smart, corageous. They were much less submissive and more independent and they usually were ahead of their time. And not just mistresses, most "weird couples" like Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir or Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, where the women had those qualities ended up suffering a lot, even though they were legally married or not their relationships were distant and more like friendships than anything else.

My friend then decided to just jump to the inevitable conclusion: men probably look for all those qualities when looking for the right girl however once they have all that, they can't take it. They go back to the opposite, they prefer to stay with the easy thing with the mild, less fun, less talkative, average smart... It's not risky and not challenging and not threatening. At first it sounds like the right choice, the reliable choice. In the long run he eventually realizes it's just frustrating to go back home and have the same old"what was your day like" talk over dinner. Not that I wouldnt enjoy that, I would.. but depending on the person it can just get ordinary.

So, with time I started to agree with her. First, men started to seem average, I can't not even begin to count how many guys I met who, in a sad attempt of being funny, made all this not so clever jokes and comments on my job or the same old "Oh i shoud be careful you might be analizing me" jokes after I said I went to psych school. And would think all my comments on life and all my advices were super amazing and intelligent... I need someone who challenges me, someone who is amazed by my skills but doesnt look at me as if I'm some sort of rare exotic almost unreachable person who you just have to find a way to win over for a night or something just so you have something to brag about the next day.

I wonder If there's any hope for me.

I like your eyes avoiding mine.

On: Ingrid Michaelson - Masochist.

Since I was 14 I knew I wanted to be a psychologist. Maybe it's because I've been seing them since I can remember and yeah well, maybe I am some kind of psychotherapy junkie, I just like it too much.

One of the coolest things I 've ever had the opportunity to do was counseling. It has to be my calling, I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself for actually making a difference and helping people and being able to see them making progress.

Most people over here, youngsters and adults, who seek counseling have similar patterns. They are usually either anxious or think of themselves as depressed, low self-steem, insecurity issues and trouble setting limits.

I remember feeling frustrated and angry at my very first patient, of course I wouldn't let it show but I was just so mad he couldnt see what was going wrong for him and how easy it was to fix... And then it hit me I'm probably the same when I'm the patient and my counselor probably felt a little like that when in session with me. With time I learned the key was patience and not trying to solve the problem for them (patients) the solution always comes on its own, during sessions that is. Of course without them it can take a while longer or they might even not come at all. Plus you've got to keep in mind that what's easy for you may not be easy for me. Different variables.

People think psychologists might not have problems at all or at least not most problems "regular people"do. Not true. You have problems like everyone else and probably they seem even harder to solve cause in a way you know what you have to do, most of the time you know but if simply knowing were the key to solve all your problems.. simple example: everybody knows smoking is bad for you. I'm a smoker, I know all the damage it can cause but that does not mean I can stop smoking.

Sometimes I think most things are so simple but so simple it's hard to believe so we have to find a way to make they look complex, to make them harder, to make the path longer and so on. I think it's frightening to admit everything is simple. And it's even more scary when you know it is. Not knowing is bliss when it comes to yourself. But maybe that's what you get when you feel like knowing more so you can help others and I'm not just talking about psychologists.

I close my blinds.

On: Pete Yorn - Ice Age

I've been known for overthinking too much. It used to be worse though, I had to dissect every word and then rethink the situation and then look for other possibilites and alternatives. Now I'm not like that so much.

I've been thinking a lot about limits though, and how hard it can be for me sometimes to set them. If you think about it, it's not supposed to be difficult or hard, limits are all about self

respect and how far you are willing to let people go when it comes to you, to your territorry. Limits are about how much you are willing to show, to share and to expose.

Some people have no trouble at all setting them, it's normal and it's not a big deal. Some people have got no limits at all, people cross the line all the time, in fact, the line is a dot to them, it's like it's not even there.

Most people though, when having their limits cross, twist things around. It's quite simple, people go as far as you let them. Taking the blame though, that'a bitch. We tend to blame others for must things that go wrong, usually others were nothing but supporting actors in a plot you helped building, even though you may not be aware of most of the time. I think if you're prepared to accept that a whole bunch of things happen to you are at least partially your fault, then you've come a long way.

Ok, drifting again! My point is I'm lousy with limits. I'm naive, I always expect the best from people even though I've got this little voice inside of me who's constantly right and whenever it demands limits from me, I pretend I can't hear. I've always been outstanding when it comes to having insights. Anyway.. The reason why I've been thinking about limits is because of the whole travel situation and having to deal with that. I decided that it can be simple, since I believe so much in the power of dialogue, in the power of putting all your card on the table and getting it all out of the woods and sorted out, maybe I should actually try that. I have got to be able to stand up for myself, who else can do that but me? I gotta let her know what I'm about, my likes and dislikes and what she can and should expect from me.

This whole thing reminded me from my patients...

Kinda Like On TV.

On: Pete Yorn - Strange Condition.

Yesterday I had an unusual experience. I decided to go out for coffee with my ex's sister-in-law. I met her around 5pm and I got home around 10pm. We talked about the most random things and, in the end I realized I was talking about my trip and the reasons why I'm going and costs and all and when I noticed, she was talking about coming along!

I know, this introduction sounded as if I didn't want her to come along, well honestly I don't know. I'm more of a loner, I don't get attatched and I like to think of myself as self-sufficient, hate asking other people for help or favors in general. And I'm not good with being patient and having tag alongs with me, I'm scared and I get easily bored and annoyed.

Although, while we were talking I realized everything I lack, she's got and vice versa. Like, she's all caring and fun and full of all things nice. She's got all those housekeeping qualities and she enjoys it. She's goal oriented and very responsable. I'm moody and full of insights but im very fast and independent and I just do things, dont wait around much.

It was the first time I had a real long conversation with her and her alone. Before I'd only meet her during family gatherings and always with my ex so I couldn'r really talk to her.

As she were making plans and talking about all the things we'd do and how much fun we'd have, I panicked a little. I know it sounds funny but I did. I don't have close friends and while growing up i didnt have those sleep overs in other girls houses, I wasn't part of a girls only club, I didn't buy the same things other girls did and I didnt have my own click and all, and she's that kind of girl and I'm not. I'm moody and I'm bitter and I make constant jokes, obviously using humor as defense mechanism so I don't have to get envolved. I could almost say I'm a bit dark and twisty, scary and damaged, it wouldn't be entirely wrong to admit that, I guess. It's part of who I am and I kinda like it. It's part of my charming personality hahaha.

And she, she's all witty and she's happy and she's got faith in life, not that I don't, i think i can be pretty positive about life and all that but she'ss got something else... Although I shouldn't probably forget that she's probably got a downside as well, like a dark and twisty thing. I mean, I'm also full of nice cute things, even though I never care much for them.

And then yesterday, on my way home, I realized how bothered I was that she got so excited about tagging along and then I thought that this, her feeling so into coming with me, can turn out to be a good thing., I'm still not super excited about the idea but maybe it's what I need in a way. I need to learn how to be less... socially challenged I believe. With me its usually like that, random friends, people that come and go, and they rarely stick around. I don't know if it's me or them, it just happens. So it's only natural that I feel aprehensive when someone wants to come so close to me and learn from me and sees potential in me. It's just weird, no, not weird, it's new. I'm afraid that I might not set limits again and that I might end up in the same I'm already trying to run away from.