Untitled.

On: Ingrid Michaelson - Breakable

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.

So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,

And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

Ok so last night I went to a very different baby shower. It was really a baby shower/rock concert. I met Fran in college and she's a sweetheart. She met Rafael in a party and started going out, their relationship moved on quite fast and in less than a year they were already living together and like 2 months later she got pregnant.

She's 5 months pregnant now and they looked so happy together yesterday. During the concert they showed images of Fran's ultrasound and at midnight she took over the microphone and announced that they're expecting a boy and his name will be Gabriel. As soon as that happened I looked around and I realized most people were emotional and some girls were actually crying. It made me wonder why wasn't I all touched by the news that were actually exciting.

Then I also realized most people who were there went in couples.. husband and mrs, boyfriends and girlfriends, enganged couples. There were probably 5 single people there, me included. So it's definitely true what they say.. you start dating so you instantly get closer to people who are also dating. More things in common i guess.

In psychology we learn that you operate according to what you know and you act and react to things according to your available repertoire and this repertoire is formed by all your life experiences.. it's as if your brain had this huge file cabinet where it stores all your memories and experiences and all possible alternatives you have when facing several situations, however, when you face a new situation your brain instantly opens the file cabinet and tries to come up with a solution, usually based on previous experiences, there's a fifty fifty percent change it will work or not.

For instance, all the basic ideas you got about how you should behave in front of strangers or how to hold a fork while having a meal.. you have to learn somewhere and then you will incorporate that to your way of living. The same thing happens with your perspective towards life and relationships. Inevitably you learn a bunch of things by observing, not consciently though, it's like, most people who try really hard not to be like their parents end up doing so without realizing it, specially in stressful situations where they have absolutely no control over their words. Once they calm down they realize how similar they behave when compared to their parents.. but ok, I'm drifiting.

When watching my friends yesterday I started to think about all these things... marriage and kids and a long term relationship.. not long term but one for life, I really don't intend on getting married just so I can divorce when I get bored. That's the thing though, it's such a huge deal. It's sharing a house and the bills and a bed. It means having to deal constantly with someone else's likes and dislikes and constant negotiation, trying to keep things in balance, trying to make it work. But then I thought I'm not the first or the last person on earth who's gonna go through that and I don't think it's supposed to be this rational and it seems the reason why it's been working it's cause they keep it simple. Fran was never the brightest or the fastest in college, she's pretty much oblivious about most things.. So maybe ignorance is bliss afterall.

My parents were constantly fighting when I was growing up and their marriage only started working after 20 years, and I don't want that. My idea of a relationship might be quite twisted, I admit. I think today my worst fear is getting trapped in an unhappy life and it would be even worse to have in mind it was my decision.

The more I meet guys over here the more it makes me hopeless. I hate the way they talk about marriage, as if they were forced into it, forced to propose and have a family... or about their current girlfriends, I don't want to be one of those bitter girlfriends that stick to their boyfriends even when they're hardly ever there or when they demand changes. I met this gilr in college who looked like a barbie doll, beautiful and tall and leggy and blonde but the boyfriend constantly told her she was fat and she should get some silicone, not that she wasn't beautiful already but that would make him love her even more. She would tell us that with such pride... and over a piece of chocolate cake 'cause her boyfriend would never let her eat that if he were around. One day, I met the boyfriend.. the guy's got a huge nose and spots all over his face and suffers from a total lack of personality.. I was at least surprised. They are engaged and they will get married this month. So is it me who's too intolerant or is the world going mad?

Of course I strongly disagree but I respect, people have their reasons to go through with some things but still... In my opinion, when you're in a relationship you should always: 1) treat it like it has enough potential to turn into something serious; 2) Every time something new and shocking and different or just unpleasant rises, ask yourself: how big of a deal that is to you/ can you let it go?/how much does it affect you?/ in ten years will you still be able to let it go? Can you see yourself dealing with that the same way you do now?

There's no point crossing our own limits for other people and yet, we always do.

The (un)Expected.

On: The Album Leaf - Writings On The Wall

I think no one looks at the future thinking life will be kinda ok or just "normal" I imagine people making huge plans and they thing what the future holds will be great and amazing and that he or she will be the best in what they want to become. Unique in what they want to do for a living. From the day we decide what we want to do with our lives we fill ourselves with expectations. Expectations about the paths we will cross, the things we will do, the choices we'll have to make, people we'll help, the difference we'll make. Big expectations about what we'll become and where we'll go and then, we realize, we're already there.

We all think we will be great and excellent at what we do and we feel a little robbed when our expectations don't meet the reality of it. Sometimes our expectations underestimate us. Sometimes the expected is nothing compared to the unexpected. You need to ask yourself why do we hold on to our expectations (even when we only realize how much we've invested on them a little too late).Because the expected is exactly what keeps us going, that keeps us standing. The expected is only the beginninf, the unexpected is what changes our lives.

The Disposable.

On: Brett Dennen - There Is So Much More.


I'm pissed. And probably I shouldn't be. The thing with disposable things and people and situations and relationships is that you have to keep in mind, all the time, that they are in fact, disposable.

Disposable, in that context, can mean a bunch of things.. people you make friends with during a four day trip and then never hear from them again; a two day intense relationship, one night stands you'll definitely never see or hear from again; a trip you're only able to take once and so on.. But, another thing that makes all these things disposable is that they do have expiration dates and you should automatically assume that.

However, I don't think people in general are psychologically prepared for the disposable.There are those who take the disposable for non-perishable and think anything that happens could turn into solid reality and last forever.

I thought I'd be fine with the disposable thing, that I wouldn't care. Then I realized I'm just as selfish as probably most people are and also as reluctant as most people, tricking myself into believing I'd be just fine afterwards. As it turns out I do care, and it did hurt to see I became a turned page. I guess what got me is that I became disposable first for lack of a better plan and not the other way around.

It's not that I care.. I really think I don't, I think I'm just unleashing this selfish childish petty side of me, that can't stand losing or finishing last.
I wonder if all that made any sense. Ah I'm just temporarilly frustrated.