On: Imogen Heap - The Moment I Said It.
I miss Mark. From day one I thought I'd probably miss him, but I honestly didn't think I'd actually miss him, I thought I'd take things less seriously, I thought I'd just go with the flow.I didn't think I'd actually have this "stand by" feeling.
What really kills me is not being able to know from him, I mean, he does leave messages saying everything's fine and that's he's alive ahah. It's good, but I need a little bit more. different cultures are a bitch, i already knew that one, but i wish i had more info on that. Or at least that I would care less about it.
quinta-feira, 21 de junho de 2007
The Moment I Said it.
There's so much to come out.
1- After this weekend I realized I've actually got something special. I'm happy to be who I am, I'm happy with everything I've accomplished. Talking to Tata, I had to go to the me-quitting-my-job topic. I had to take that huge question mark out of my head. Can it possibly be true that working for me is a luxury? In a way that since i don't work because i need to, I just don't give it the propper attention or maybe I don't get the true meaning of it... Is irresponsability really my modus operandi?
She then said that, refer to that as something I don't care cause I don't need to is rude but in a way, that's actually it. I don't need to and probably that's why I gave up when I felt the preassure. It scared me. It suddenly hit me I know nothing about being a grown up and that's all because I've always had everything I wanted. Not really like that, I don't think of myself as being a spoiled little brat, I did see myself as "poor little rich girl" sometimes.
The thing is, we're not rich. We do have good money conditions though, my dad doesn't make tons of money, he just manages it really well. He was able to pay for our education and for cool things like trips abroad and giving me a car when I turned eighteen. He's always been there for me and my sister. He's got his problems, of course. Sometimes he can be extra tough and have reactions that are totally uncalled for but still.. It's always possible to count on him.
However, I don't think I've ever realized that having all that makes me scared of the real world now, I'm not sure I can make it. I'm not sure how anyone makes it. The idea of supporting myself of depending on me is almost unbearable and inconceivable.
The thought of depending on a job where you don't make good money and you're still misstreated or swamped in work and amazing preassure is like... totally weird for me. I'm saying this from what i've experienced, from the places where I worked. Is it really like that? I mean... it doesn't make sense to me. It again makes me wonder how spoiled am I to not know that or for complaining about it...?
Another thing is, since i was a child this rich thing has "haunted me" our house is the biggest one in the neighborhood, but it did take 20 years for us to build it, aside from that and the fact that my dad would always make good deals and change his car every two months, we never did anything to earn that reputation. It always bothered me, it makes me feel like I don't know things,. that I'm clueless about life and the world and people 'cause I don't know what's like to live off yourself. For years I thought it was more of a curse than a blessing, to be able to have all this without so much effort. Most of my friends didn't have all that in life and it makes me guilty. Makes me feel awkward. Sounds stupid? Probably... I should be happy instead of feeling bad about it. I do, I just feel like I don't belong.
I'm always trying to be a better person, I'm always open to conversation, to criticism because I do believe in constant improvement. I used to hate the fact other people around me didn't act the same way. I left my therapist saying I had finally understood people don't have to agree all the time and that being sad or feeling hurt or annoyed by something or someone it's my business, almost a choice really. I'm glad I got that.
A couple days before I left I came to him and said something I friend of mine had told me, that he didn't understand why poor people, people who had to work almost their entire lives to be able to survive rarely complain about psychological conditions. I don't believe in that, it's a myth. But it made me think that I might be having too much free time to think and re-think about everything's that's been going on with me.
Can't finish my thoughts..
1- After this weekend I realized I've actually got something special. I'm happy to be who I am, I'm happy with everything I've accomplished. Talking to Tata, I had to go to the me-quitting-my-job topic. I had to take that huge question mark out of my head. Can it possibly be true that working for me is a luxury? In a way that since i don't work because i need to, I just don't give it the propper attention or maybe I don't get the true meaning of it... Is irresponsability really my modus operandi?
She then said that, refer to that as something I don't care cause I don't need to is rude but in a way, that's actually it. I don't need to and probably that's why I gave up when I felt the preassure. It scared me. It suddenly hit me I know nothing about being a grown up and that's all because I've always had everything I wanted. Not really like that, I don't think of myself as being a spoiled little brat, I did see myself as "poor little rich girl" sometimes.
The thing is, we're not rich. We do have good money conditions though, my dad doesn't make tons of money, he just manages it really well. He was able to pay for our education and for cool things like trips abroad and giving me a car when I turned eighteen. He's always been there for me and my sister. He's got his problems, of course. Sometimes he can be extra tough and have reactions that are totally uncalled for but still.. It's always possible to count on him.
However, I don't think I've ever realized that having all that makes me scared of the real world now, I'm not sure I can make it. I'm not sure how anyone makes it. The idea of supporting myself of depending on me is almost unbearable and inconceivable.
The thought of depending on a job where you don't make good money and you're still misstreated or swamped in work and amazing preassure is like... totally weird for me. I'm saying this from what i've experienced, from the places where I worked. Is it really like that? I mean... it doesn't make sense to me. It again makes me wonder how spoiled am I to not know that or for complaining about it...?
Another thing is, since i was a child this rich thing has "haunted me" our house is the biggest one in the neighborhood, but it did take 20 years for us to build it, aside from that and the fact that my dad would always make good deals and change his car every two months, we never did anything to earn that reputation. It always bothered me, it makes me feel like I don't know things,. that I'm clueless about life and the world and people 'cause I don't know what's like to live off yourself. For years I thought it was more of a curse than a blessing, to be able to have all this without so much effort. Most of my friends didn't have all that in life and it makes me guilty. Makes me feel awkward. Sounds stupid? Probably... I should be happy instead of feeling bad about it. I do, I just feel like I don't belong.
I'm always trying to be a better person, I'm always open to conversation, to criticism because I do believe in constant improvement. I used to hate the fact other people around me didn't act the same way. I left my therapist saying I had finally understood people don't have to agree all the time and that being sad or feeling hurt or annoyed by something or someone it's my business, almost a choice really. I'm glad I got that.
A couple days before I left I came to him and said something I friend of mine had told me, that he didn't understand why poor people, people who had to work almost their entire lives to be able to survive rarely complain about psychological conditions. I don't believe in that, it's a myth. But it made me think that I might be having too much free time to think and re-think about everything's that's been going on with me.
Can't finish my thoughts..
domingo, 17 de junho de 2007
Comptine D'un Autre Ete.
On: Aimee Mann - Guys Like Me.
I still think that where you start isnt necessarily where you're going to end. Again i see myself drowning in thougths that now are absorbing, but they don't have to be, and i know that. It's funny how we constantly forget that we only worry about things we want to. I mean, it sounds crazy but if you think about it, that's really it. We only feel the things we want to feel, we only give too much because we want to. I know, u sure can make things sound easier than they really are, but it is true though. The problem is "how do I reach that kind of understanding and how much am i willing to compromise?"
My parents raised me too well, I can be nasty in a sarcastic kind of way but at the same time I can be such a good person, specially when it comes to other people. When it comes to take care of myself, Im not that good.
I honestly think of myself as being a pain in the ass, as being overly spoiled and having severe mood swings. I think i dont know the true value of things and how hard it actually is to get them, i think i take money and hard work for granted. And i think for me feelings and people and things and general have expiration dates. I think im sad and lonely. I think im probably the saddest girl to ever hold a tequila. I also think i enjoy being too sorry for myself but I used to feel worse about myself in the past.
I still think that where you start isnt necessarily where you're going to end. Again i see myself drowning in thougths that now are absorbing, but they don't have to be, and i know that. It's funny how we constantly forget that we only worry about things we want to. I mean, it sounds crazy but if you think about it, that's really it. We only feel the things we want to feel, we only give too much because we want to. I know, u sure can make things sound easier than they really are, but it is true though. The problem is "how do I reach that kind of understanding and how much am i willing to compromise?"
My parents raised me too well, I can be nasty in a sarcastic kind of way but at the same time I can be such a good person, specially when it comes to other people. When it comes to take care of myself, Im not that good.
I honestly think of myself as being a pain in the ass, as being overly spoiled and having severe mood swings. I think i dont know the true value of things and how hard it actually is to get them, i think i take money and hard work for granted. And i think for me feelings and people and things and general have expiration dates. I think im sad and lonely. I think im probably the saddest girl to ever hold a tequila. I also think i enjoy being too sorry for myself but I used to feel worse about myself in the past.
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