C'est noir et Je me sens terrible.

Yann Tiersen - La Dispute.


I think you can reach rock bottom when you find yourself in self-pitty. It's scary and surprising at the same time it was kinda expected. The good news is there's some dignity in self-pity, not spreading it out so other people will join you helps a lot.
I can't get over the fact I'm sure my parents are always waiting for me to screw up, I'm often sure they have a total incapacity of wishing people well, meaning it, not out of jelousy or lack of interest in what they got. I think they are arrogant and stubborn and shallow and phony. I think most of their reactions towards people are fake and filled with vicious second intetions. I think they are mean and cruel and have no idea of how easier things could actually be. I'm scared I'll turn into them. Unstable, uncapable of being nice or positive about live, uncapable of giving people compliments I'm afraid of becoming highly judgemental and having way high expectations about people in general, expectations no human being could ever achieve but i would have grown way too self absorbed and egoistic to realized that or to aknowledge the fact people grow and improve constantly. I don't ever want to have the feeling I need no improvement or that I am improving when I'm actually not.
I'm also afraid they might haive damaged me for life. The worst part of it all is that they don't see it. They are capable of saying the most terrible unthinkable words, things I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I do think words are worse than a punch in the face. I cannot believe though that some people only feel it when it happens to them and not when they do it.
It's been over a year that I don't wake up with a smile on my face or not sighing because I feel I have another day ahead of me, another amount of hours that pass as if seconds were minutes it takes so long. I would dare to say it sometimes feels like I'm in a war (the way i think war would be like) You're constantly aware, wondering if you'll survive that day, you're constantly irritated and stressed due to the excess of awareness, you can't stay calm, you can't close your eyes and relaxing is not even taken into consideration. The whole day is about the expectation, what's gonna happen, what's about to come up... but it can never be good. not now and not in the long run.
Now, what really kills me is the feeling of being ungrateful or inconsiderate for keeping in mind i dont think they are nice people and I wish i had nothing to do with them. I'm always in between, afteral they gave me good education and all the finacial and material support I needed and sometimes it almost feels like I spent my entire life looking for a gap, a crack on that cristal dome of good life I lived in. At the same time I worry I pass the poor little rich girl impression. And then I end up struggling with myself, tryinhg to be logical and thinking there will never be enough money or assets good enough to make you feel loved and that before being parents or friends or lovers or whatever, we're all humans and as humans we have our own limits and no one has the right to go over them and we do not have to let some people do that just because we think we're in some sort of debt. But that's how I feel all the time, that I'm incompetent and in debt, and I feel the weight of guilt, of not being good enough, all the time.
I can't get over they wont change and they might never see my point and that my changing when it comes to them is limited. I can only do so much, I can't get over the fact my dad does not remember being inconvenient and arrogant and rude and cruel so many times with me, in front of strangers, making me feel like crap and he doens't even remember or care. I can't just let it go and accept he's an asshole regardless all the things he's ever given me. I dont thin I've ever felt this frustrated or disappointed before. And I don't think I've never wished to have this feeling lasting for a very, very long time.
I can't live with my sister's pettiness and my mom's two faced attitude towards people and not her drama or her defensive/childish/hurtful behavior.
And no, i have absolutely nothing good to say about them. I tried but I just no longer care. I don't think I've ever felt so alone and it feels so bad. I'm not sure I want to change that either, not right now at least. There's a lot ahead, hopefully. I wish I don't have to come back, I hope I don't have to come back.'
I know things are getting better for me, especially with the visa and all but they have a special way of putting me down of making me feel worthless and cheap and snotty and arrogant. My own parents, I don't know if there's anything worse than your parents not having faith on you at all.
Maybe they do, maybe they love me afteral and they do wish me all the best things in the world, maybe they do think I can pull it off and I'll become great some day but I'm tired of having to read between the line and getting their way of expressing their emotions or being understanding and comprehensive and searching for logical psychological evidence on the probable way they were brought up to justify the fact they just can't pay you a compliemt or admit they may be wrong or be more humble and that they can't express themselves more clearly. I don't care if i sound childish or spoiled now or whatever, words do mean the world to me, I'm a big believer of their power and I do believe compliments keep you on track, make you more confident and give you more prospects and hope and energy to keep on going, to find what you're looking for. Humans are social beings therefore we need verbal or meaningful signs of support, to me those can be words, that's all.
I just might be damaged and twisty for life. Oh well..